I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I've posted anything! That must say something about my chaotic schedule over the last few weeks!
Today's topic has to do with change. That would is probably one of my top ten most dreaded words to ever hear. Whether it's good change or bad, I don't typically want to go thru it because it takes....wait for it....WORK and PATIENCE (2 more of my most unfavorite words).
I recently moved out of a shabby 2 bedroom apartment into a beautiful farm house that is more than an abundant blessing to the girls and I. I went back and forth whether to get it or let it go and stay in my miserable surroundings. You know why? I was miserably comfortable. Since I moved back to Iowa in February of 2009, that is where we have lived.
To better paint the picture, the previous year, we had moved 6 times. Yes, 6 times....in 12 months. Not because I wanted to, but had to. It was time of recession, joblessness, ex shenanigans, etc. So, with that, we moved a lot, lost a lot of stuff along the way. By the time we landed in Iowa, we were professional movers. And it was a profession I was ready to retire. And did, for 3 years. It's amazing how much 'stuff' we have acquired in that amount of time! And it's amazing how much the girls have grown up since our last move. What good helpers!
Also, dating. That is something I just don't like in general. Especially since I have children. It's just another thing I need to plan for, just another inconvenience. I love time with my girls, so that is another reason that it makes it less appealing to go out away from them and get a sitter to hang out with a guy I may or may not like the company of. So while yes, I would like THEE guy someday, I am comfortable in this area too, sometimes miserably...meaning somedays I am getting more used to the lonely, somedays I'm not. However, I will take peace over war any day, even if it means solitude after 8:30 pm every night.
Weight. Talk about a life long struggle. And PS, children do NOTHING for your figure. Whether you're carrying them in your belly, or as they grow up. Because, come on let's be real, what they eat for dinner is always more appetizing than what is set aside for Mom. Corndog or carrot stick, tough choice. It just didn't click in my brain right away that they can eat whatever they want and not gain a muffin top. Even though reality isn't always a fun state to be in, it is the truth and is what I must accept. First step is acceptance. Therefore, I have made a committment to myself that I HAVE to stop treating my body like it's 6 years old, without exerting the 6 year old energy. So, because I am so tired of being miserably comfortable in this area, it is time for change. I am on day two of 'Operation Pop Stop'. There is zero nutrional value, and in fact makes you more hungry (I drink diet mostly) which I don't need. And the side effects for your body are just not worth it. No longer will pop be something that is ingested in my body.
http://www.rodale.com/facts-about-soda?page=9
One of my key motivators for this change in lifestyle: Jessica Simpson. I have liked her since she was just a tike, ditziness and all. She is also the new face of Weight Watchers. This girl has lost 40 lbs in 4 months. She has a few to go, but is looking great! I understand, I would too if I had a trainer 5x a week and my own personal chef to cook all the stuff that is so good for me but takes time. But...knock, knock. Who's there? Reality! Oh here I thought you had left!
Since the majority of us don't have the luxury of someone there screaming in our face and restricting our diets, guess we have to use good old-fashioned determination and drive to get us there. I am starting my weight watchers journey, not getting paid $4m to promote them, but I believe in their product nonetheless.
My goal isn't set in stone on a certain weight or size, but rather where I want my new 'comfortable' to be...notice I dropped the word 'miserably'. As much as I don't like the word 'change', I like 'miserably' much less. I will be sure to post as I progress.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
I believe in God....so what?
Even though my girls are gone for a grueling six weeks this summer, I knew my Father had some amazing stuff for me to learn and struggle through. Convictions seem to be an everyday thing lately and I'm so grateful for it! That means my Lord loves me enough to put people in my path to correct me when needed and the Holy Spirit to yearn in my gut preventing me from committing potential sin.
Also, there is a new man in my life this summer. His name is James, you may have heard of him. He was Jesus' little brother. This guy has been beyond challenging and convicting in my actions , or lack thereof, as a Christ follower. Currently I am in a study by Beth Moore trying to grip this controversial book. And it just so happens, Summer Salt is studying this guy too! So I hang out with him pretty much everyday, and we're getting up close and personal, let me tell you.
There are so many areas I want to dive into that have struck my heart strings but the one I focus on today is one of the areas why many think James is so controversial: faith and deeds. They taught on it tonight at Salt. Many parts of the bible says that we are saved "by grace, through faith" (Eph 2:8) the end. Well, yes this is true, but James likes to take it a step further..."faith without deeds is dead" (James 2:26). It states all throughout the bible, to have Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we need to believe, have faith. Ok but James argues this, "even the demons believe there is one God and shudder" (James 2:19) So if that all we do is believe then we are no better than the demons, correct?
Here's the 'Melisa' spin: I think James says this because if we TRULY believe and have faith that the Lord is God and everything else in the bible that it says what God is and does, then why would we NOT bow at His feet and want, desire, long to be obedient to the Most High???
Think of it this way, if you have a child that wants a toy they have been eyeing for months and months when finally, as a suprise, you decide to get that toy for them. Maybe they have been really good, respectful, helpful, etc. When you unvail that present to your unexpecting child, what happens? My guess is their face lights up the whole house and their excitement is so powerful it can't be contained. They hug and kiss you over and over, jumping up and down marveling at what they hold in their little hands. They may even say "I'll do dishes for a month and clean my room everyday and help with laundry, and, and, and!!"
The deeper I get into relationship with God, my true Father, the more I can't understand why we don't act that way. He steals our heart, loves on us unconditionally...regardless of how many times we've 'hit our sister, broken the chair leg, spilled the juice on the counter'. And then, when we don't even expect it and definitely don't deserve it, he gives us OUR gift: ETERNAL LIFE!!!!!! So YES we should be shouting to the hills to everyone we know what gift we received! And YES we should also tell our loving Father, "Thank you!!!! I will serve your kingdom, I will help you find those who are lost, I will clothe and feed the poor, I will love those who persecute me, because you love me!!! I will, I will, I will" And actually DO IT.
THAT is the BOOM of James! Yes, we get eternal life because of God's incredible grace if we have faith, even that of a mustard seed, but WHY, please tell me, do we not want to show our gratitude and appreciation by being obedient and letting Him live through us in such a way that when people meet with us, they SEE God in us; i.e. our attitudes, the way we live our life?! THAT is what I am striving for! I just don't want a ticket to heaven. I want Jesus there at the gate saying, "well done, good and faithful servant". And that my friend beats any new Barbie, video game or Lego set out there.
Also, there is a new man in my life this summer. His name is James, you may have heard of him. He was Jesus' little brother. This guy has been beyond challenging and convicting in my actions , or lack thereof, as a Christ follower. Currently I am in a study by Beth Moore trying to grip this controversial book. And it just so happens, Summer Salt is studying this guy too! So I hang out with him pretty much everyday, and we're getting up close and personal, let me tell you.
There are so many areas I want to dive into that have struck my heart strings but the one I focus on today is one of the areas why many think James is so controversial: faith and deeds. They taught on it tonight at Salt. Many parts of the bible says that we are saved "by grace, through faith" (Eph 2:8) the end. Well, yes this is true, but James likes to take it a step further..."faith without deeds is dead" (James 2:26). It states all throughout the bible, to have Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we need to believe, have faith. Ok but James argues this, "even the demons believe there is one God and shudder" (James 2:19) So if that all we do is believe then we are no better than the demons, correct?
Here's the 'Melisa' spin: I think James says this because if we TRULY believe and have faith that the Lord is God and everything else in the bible that it says what God is and does, then why would we NOT bow at His feet and want, desire, long to be obedient to the Most High???
Think of it this way, if you have a child that wants a toy they have been eyeing for months and months when finally, as a suprise, you decide to get that toy for them. Maybe they have been really good, respectful, helpful, etc. When you unvail that present to your unexpecting child, what happens? My guess is their face lights up the whole house and their excitement is so powerful it can't be contained. They hug and kiss you over and over, jumping up and down marveling at what they hold in their little hands. They may even say "I'll do dishes for a month and clean my room everyday and help with laundry, and, and, and!!"
The deeper I get into relationship with God, my true Father, the more I can't understand why we don't act that way. He steals our heart, loves on us unconditionally...regardless of how many times we've 'hit our sister, broken the chair leg, spilled the juice on the counter'. And then, when we don't even expect it and definitely don't deserve it, he gives us OUR gift: ETERNAL LIFE!!!!!! So YES we should be shouting to the hills to everyone we know what gift we received! And YES we should also tell our loving Father, "Thank you!!!! I will serve your kingdom, I will help you find those who are lost, I will clothe and feed the poor, I will love those who persecute me, because you love me!!! I will, I will, I will" And actually DO IT.
THAT is the BOOM of James! Yes, we get eternal life because of God's incredible grace if we have faith, even that of a mustard seed, but WHY, please tell me, do we not want to show our gratitude and appreciation by being obedient and letting Him live through us in such a way that when people meet with us, they SEE God in us; i.e. our attitudes, the way we live our life?! THAT is what I am striving for! I just don't want a ticket to heaven. I want Jesus there at the gate saying, "well done, good and faithful servant". And that my friend beats any new Barbie, video game or Lego set out there.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Depth Perception
We went to a wedding this past weekend in which I thought it would be a great idea to wear some super cute, open toe heels. They matched perfectly with the dress and the attitude :) As the dinner part of the reception came to a close and the excitement of dancing filled all the kid's eyes, I moved to an area in which I could watch the upcoming show. Not 30 seconds after settling into my chair a boy, probably about 12 or so, rams right into my foot! It took everything I had not to grab him by the collar, oh the pain! (This is a girl who has had surgery on her toes years ago, and they are EXTREMELY sensitive) After the irritation settled minutes later, I got up to take Eden to the bathroom when low and behold, ANOTHER child rams into my other foot! For the love of Jesus! WHY?! At this point, I'm ready to exit...which we do almost immediately.
I have known this for years and notice it still today, and most recently at this wedding: CHILDREN HAVE NO DEPTH PERCEPTION!
We as Christ followers typically don't either. My 8 year old mentioned to me last night as we were talking about silly boys and how she won't be dating for another 10 years at the earliest when she agreed, "That's ok Mom, I know I won't know what love from a boy is til I understand God's love for me". Well, AMEN!
God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16) But many of us don't quite get the depth of love even though that is the most heard and memorized verse in the bible. So, John tries again. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. (1John 3:16)....I don't think it's a coincidence it's the same chapter and verse. God tells us how to know what love is right there! That is what we should base our relationships off of! Jesus was the only human to ever walk this earth free of sin, full of compassion and love and completely blameless....yet, that is who was sent to the cross for OUR evil acts, desires, thoughts, sins, etc.
It is extremely difficult for me to grasp the depth of love my Savior has for me. And if I ever come close to understanding it, I have a feeling I won't be able to handle it. Why me, why am I worth all the pain and torture and rejection Jesus went thru? Why do I know Jeus loves me, but I still reject him, distrust him, break his heart and do unspeakable things that demonstrate anything but a reciprocation of the love he readily gives over and over?
As annoying as it is having my feet stepped on, what am I doing to Christ when I don't surrender to his love and obedience? While children's lack of depth perception is recognized when they over-step and fall further than they intend to, ours as Christians happen when we under-step and don't fall far enough.
I have known this for years and notice it still today, and most recently at this wedding: CHILDREN HAVE NO DEPTH PERCEPTION!
We as Christ followers typically don't either. My 8 year old mentioned to me last night as we were talking about silly boys and how she won't be dating for another 10 years at the earliest when she agreed, "That's ok Mom, I know I won't know what love from a boy is til I understand God's love for me". Well, AMEN!
God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16) But many of us don't quite get the depth of love even though that is the most heard and memorized verse in the bible. So, John tries again. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. (1John 3:16)....I don't think it's a coincidence it's the same chapter and verse. God tells us how to know what love is right there! That is what we should base our relationships off of! Jesus was the only human to ever walk this earth free of sin, full of compassion and love and completely blameless....yet, that is who was sent to the cross for OUR evil acts, desires, thoughts, sins, etc.
It is extremely difficult for me to grasp the depth of love my Savior has for me. And if I ever come close to understanding it, I have a feeling I won't be able to handle it. Why me, why am I worth all the pain and torture and rejection Jesus went thru? Why do I know Jeus loves me, but I still reject him, distrust him, break his heart and do unspeakable things that demonstrate anything but a reciprocation of the love he readily gives over and over?
As annoying as it is having my feet stepped on, what am I doing to Christ when I don't surrender to his love and obedience? While children's lack of depth perception is recognized when they over-step and fall further than they intend to, ours as Christians happen when we under-step and don't fall far enough.
Friday, June 8, 2012
He thinks my crazy is beautiful
Not going to lie, first thing I thought of was 'She thinks my tractor's sexy', but that has nothing to do with this post...
I have a 'little brother in Christ' who is a constant encouragement and challenger of my faith and growth. I thank God for him. We spoke last night about many topics and he never fails to act as a vessel of Jesus Christ when he speaks to me. I often wonder if God has anyone out there for me or if I am to be single forever. Now don't get me wrong, I am MUCH more content in singlehood than I was months or even weeks ago. However, my heart does long for that best friend to go thru life with God as our center.
We got talking further about the way the world operates and how people seem to mold the bible to how it can work for them. For instance, many Christian couples are obedient in most ways to God and continue to grow, but are having sex outside of marriage. Why is it that so many people just think it's ok?! Why are there so many couples in general that live together before they are married? Oh if I could go back and change how I lived. And then he stopped me and said, "The crazy feeling of disappointment you feel towards the world is just beautiful". I stopped in my tracks and felt such Godly love and acceptance in that very moment. Like I said, he is a true vessel, and I feel as though it's Jesus himself speaking to me when I hear from this dear brother.
To take this to another level, isn't that what God thinks of us also? Doesn't he think we are beautiful even if we are crazy in our thoughts? Especially when it's because we are trying to figure out why this world is so twisted and unfocused on him? I would imagine God is smiling when conversations like that take place. When we as believers try and find ways to break thru the norm of today. The bible may have been put together hundreds of years ago, but it is TIMELESS. The principles God gives us to live a life devoted to carrying out his will for his glory never changes. We can't mold it into what is convenient for us! How ridiculous! We can't save ourselves, so why do we constantly think we can compromise his authority?
We are constantly to be refined, changed, and grow and discipline and obedience is the heart of it. (Proverbs 12:1, 13:20) Our focus is something that must be directed to the plan God has for our lives. Granted, we don't know what that is until God himself chooses to reveal parts of it to us, but that is where trust comes in. He is our FATHER! He loves us more than any human on this earth could ever attempt to! So why do we think it's ok to betray that love and give in to sexual sin, or any other sin for that matter, to someone who is not our judge nor our creator...but simply a very small piece of our life puzzle and who will only exist to us in this life? I think if we can focus on God's absolute love for us instead of our fickle desires and emotions that lead us to sin, we would have a lot more peace and happiness. (Romans 6,7)
God, throw your wisdom into our lives and make us blatantly aware that YOUR ways are ALWAYS better than ours. Let us not be consumed by the opinions and approval of this world but of you only. Thank you for endless mercy and grace, amen.
I have a 'little brother in Christ' who is a constant encouragement and challenger of my faith and growth. I thank God for him. We spoke last night about many topics and he never fails to act as a vessel of Jesus Christ when he speaks to me. I often wonder if God has anyone out there for me or if I am to be single forever. Now don't get me wrong, I am MUCH more content in singlehood than I was months or even weeks ago. However, my heart does long for that best friend to go thru life with God as our center.
We got talking further about the way the world operates and how people seem to mold the bible to how it can work for them. For instance, many Christian couples are obedient in most ways to God and continue to grow, but are having sex outside of marriage. Why is it that so many people just think it's ok?! Why are there so many couples in general that live together before they are married? Oh if I could go back and change how I lived. And then he stopped me and said, "The crazy feeling of disappointment you feel towards the world is just beautiful". I stopped in my tracks and felt such Godly love and acceptance in that very moment. Like I said, he is a true vessel, and I feel as though it's Jesus himself speaking to me when I hear from this dear brother.
To take this to another level, isn't that what God thinks of us also? Doesn't he think we are beautiful even if we are crazy in our thoughts? Especially when it's because we are trying to figure out why this world is so twisted and unfocused on him? I would imagine God is smiling when conversations like that take place. When we as believers try and find ways to break thru the norm of today. The bible may have been put together hundreds of years ago, but it is TIMELESS. The principles God gives us to live a life devoted to carrying out his will for his glory never changes. We can't mold it into what is convenient for us! How ridiculous! We can't save ourselves, so why do we constantly think we can compromise his authority?
We are constantly to be refined, changed, and grow and discipline and obedience is the heart of it. (Proverbs 12:1, 13:20) Our focus is something that must be directed to the plan God has for our lives. Granted, we don't know what that is until God himself chooses to reveal parts of it to us, but that is where trust comes in. He is our FATHER! He loves us more than any human on this earth could ever attempt to! So why do we think it's ok to betray that love and give in to sexual sin, or any other sin for that matter, to someone who is not our judge nor our creator...but simply a very small piece of our life puzzle and who will only exist to us in this life? I think if we can focus on God's absolute love for us instead of our fickle desires and emotions that lead us to sin, we would have a lot more peace and happiness. (Romans 6,7)
God, throw your wisdom into our lives and make us blatantly aware that YOUR ways are ALWAYS better than ours. Let us not be consumed by the opinions and approval of this world but of you only. Thank you for endless mercy and grace, amen.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Time flies when I close my eyes
This Thursday marks the end of probably the fastest year to date. Sesley completes 2nd grade and Eden, kindergarten :(
They are so eager and excited to grow up and encounter the next grade level in front of them, but all I want to do is freeze time. As hard as some days are, these are the ones I will miss most, guaranteed.
There were some highlights (some not so high, some kinda low) to this year in which I would like to reflect upon in no particular order, just what my mind can remember...
They are so eager and excited to grow up and encounter the next grade level in front of them, but all I want to do is freeze time. As hard as some days are, these are the ones I will miss most, guaranteed.
There were some highlights (some not so high, some kinda low) to this year in which I would like to reflect upon in no particular order, just what my mind can remember...
- Eden lost her first tooth
- Sesley amazed me with her stellar basketball and soccer skills, when I was convinced she was the princess and Eden was the athlete...
- Sesley had a wonderful student stick up for her in class when she was told she didn't 'have a father', I'm stunned at the compassion of kids sometimes
- I'm equally stunned that Sesley has sought her out and told her that God is our father first and having Him in our lives is what truly matters. She even invited her on a recess pass day and talked to her about God...what a kid!
- Eden had her first go at Upward basketball and my first go at coaching her. That most likely won't happen again
- We have had some rough spots, especially Sesley and I. And she has decided it's a good thing to pray together about our relationship specifically in the morning and at night, smart girl
- I got to go on a couple field trips because my schedule was more free this spring and I know that an elementary teacher is not on my list of occupations to try
- We have seen God do some crazy good things in our lives this year, I have seen the girls both grow in Him and love on other people more, myself included
- We have all had our share of injuries as well, but I think Mom is in the lead there, it gets a lot harder as you get older
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Ya dirty rat...
There was a women's retreat at my church yesterday. The speaker was wonderful and brought up some really interesting points I never gave much thought to before. She spoke of forgiveness and there are a couple things that caught my attention.
First, how do we know if we really have forgiven someone? I used to think that once we told God and them we forgave them, it was done. But it's not always that way. I since have realized sometimes I need to forgive over and over and over. Then I thought for sure it would be taken care of. But yesterday I found out that may not be true either. She said that you know that true forgiveness has taken place in your heart when you can hear that person's name or see them and NOT feel a 'sting'. Wow. So it's more than the words, it's what takes place in your heart. This means I still have a lot of work to do. It could be the very reason there is so much hate and struggle in my heart. Just as I need to be memorizing Romans 6 right now to deal with my rage issues, so do I need to keep forgiving every single day. Bring these people to light, to God, and beg for help. Then maybe I can experience true freedom and really be able to bask in His grace.
Well, wait a minute. Second, there is the is task of forgiving YOURSELF when you sin against God. I always thought if I feel guilty and convicted, well great! I know I love Jesus and hate to hurt Him! Wrong. Our speaker Stacey said that if we come to God for forgiveness, it's gone in His sight. But if we continue to keep it in our log book, beat ourselves up over and over for days, months or years, we are not only holding on, but holding ourselves back from moving forward and continuing to grow in our relationship with Jesus! What a revelation!
I am all about forgiving myself. Question is, HOW do I? How do I get past the guilt, shame, disappointment, filthiness I currently feel for my actions? No amount of baths or showers are going to take this disgusting feeling away from a sin which I thought I had all but conquered, only to have it come back at my most vulnerable moment and slap me in the face again.
I had a great talk with Pastor Jeff recently about sins that God deals with in us. Some, he said, are dealt with right away, never to be an issue again. Others, take longer, and possibly something we continue to fight our whole lives. That is both encouraging and discouraging to me. Encouraging in the way that when we first start dealing with this sin, and go one hour longer or 3 weeks longer that we did the last time we had this sin, that is great progress. Discouraging in the way that some days you feel great strides and go for months or years, but all the sudden fall to it again. Then it kind of feels like the '2 steps forward, 3 steps back' syndrome.
However, when it's all said and done, this I know to be true; God is faithful. He loves me and has a plan for me.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future....Jeremiah 29:11
It's His plan for me to have HOPE and a FUTURE...a future free from sin, which is eternal life. That is the promise I am holding on to....
First, how do we know if we really have forgiven someone? I used to think that once we told God and them we forgave them, it was done. But it's not always that way. I since have realized sometimes I need to forgive over and over and over. Then I thought for sure it would be taken care of. But yesterday I found out that may not be true either. She said that you know that true forgiveness has taken place in your heart when you can hear that person's name or see them and NOT feel a 'sting'. Wow. So it's more than the words, it's what takes place in your heart. This means I still have a lot of work to do. It could be the very reason there is so much hate and struggle in my heart. Just as I need to be memorizing Romans 6 right now to deal with my rage issues, so do I need to keep forgiving every single day. Bring these people to light, to God, and beg for help. Then maybe I can experience true freedom and really be able to bask in His grace.
Well, wait a minute. Second, there is the is task of forgiving YOURSELF when you sin against God. I always thought if I feel guilty and convicted, well great! I know I love Jesus and hate to hurt Him! Wrong. Our speaker Stacey said that if we come to God for forgiveness, it's gone in His sight. But if we continue to keep it in our log book, beat ourselves up over and over for days, months or years, we are not only holding on, but holding ourselves back from moving forward and continuing to grow in our relationship with Jesus! What a revelation!
I am all about forgiving myself. Question is, HOW do I? How do I get past the guilt, shame, disappointment, filthiness I currently feel for my actions? No amount of baths or showers are going to take this disgusting feeling away from a sin which I thought I had all but conquered, only to have it come back at my most vulnerable moment and slap me in the face again.
I had a great talk with Pastor Jeff recently about sins that God deals with in us. Some, he said, are dealt with right away, never to be an issue again. Others, take longer, and possibly something we continue to fight our whole lives. That is both encouraging and discouraging to me. Encouraging in the way that when we first start dealing with this sin, and go one hour longer or 3 weeks longer that we did the last time we had this sin, that is great progress. Discouraging in the way that some days you feel great strides and go for months or years, but all the sudden fall to it again. Then it kind of feels like the '2 steps forward, 3 steps back' syndrome.
However, when it's all said and done, this I know to be true; God is faithful. He loves me and has a plan for me.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future....Jeremiah 29:11
It's His plan for me to have HOPE and a FUTURE...a future free from sin, which is eternal life. That is the promise I am holding on to....
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Force Shut Down?
One thing that drives me absolutely crazy in regards to my computer and technology is when my screen freezes, the internet stops, or things click like crazy and flicker and I can do nothing put hold down the power button and force a shut down. In times like this there is no way I can have the patience to wait for the computer to chill out, shut down each program individually, ctrl/alt/del and THEN restart. It's not in my DNA. Maybe someday God will either create a super patience for technology or man will create technology for my lack of patience. I'll guess #1...great.
(For all the computer geeks out there, I know I am not supposed to shut down this way ever if at all possible, but that is not the issue I'm currently concerned with, so your lecture will have to wait....til I care.)
Lately, as in the past few days, weeks, ok fine, years...I've been dealing with feelings/emotions that tend to creep up out of nowhere. They happen to be my least favorite ones that circle around one theme: loneliness. Though I want nothing to do with it, it continues to show up at my doorstep uninvited...and I let it in.
**To all who are thinking it right now, YES I know I have 2 beautiful daughters that want nothing more than to shower me with love and affection....and YES I am thankful, very thankful. BUT I believe there is more than one type of loneliness. And when they scamper off to college, get married, or move across the globe, then I will feel that type of loneliness and sadness. That type I will call 'Type K' for kiddos.
The one I speak of that I loathe is 'Type P' for pitiful. I hate to get this visitor because that is what I feel like almost immediately, is pitiful, aka "full of pity". It's been 3 1/2 years since my divorce, but like 4 + years since I've had a feeling of a substantial relationship. I've had dates here and there and a couple month long things, but in the big scheme of life, that means virtually nothing. Nothing compared to those who are married for over 50 years and have a desire to be with them for 50 more. I want that. I long for hugs, affection, friendship that apparently is rare to find and hard to keep.
Problem is, I get into these funks where I start to feel all kinds of dumb things:
1. Hopeless- no one will want this scarred up girl with such bad past decisions. I always revert back to New Moon for some reason where Bella tells Jacob, "I'm not just some car you can fix up, I'll never run right." Exactly how I feel at times.
2. Desperate- I get lonely, I get desperate. I try too hard to get guys to notice me. I talk too much or feel as though I am constantly vying for attention. I hate that I do that and unfortunately don't notice until I feel like an idiot.
3. Anger- Well of course I feel anger! That is my default for when something isn't going as fast and smooth as I would like or I have to wait and trust God AGAIN for the feeling to pass or be fulfilled.
And that's just it, God really has fulfilled the sting of loneliness more often than not. But I guarantee that the handful of times He hasn't isn't because He wasn't trying, it's because I wouldn't let Him in. So my solution to this current uninvited visit from loneliness, is a forced shut down. Power button is being hit now, but in the future as I beg for more patience from God, I hope to do this the right way: control what visitors I let through my door; alternate my way of thinking, focus on God's love and comfort; and finally delete those 3 areas I let take over in these times, because this is just another tactic used by Satan to keep us defeated. The sooner this becomes 2nd nature, the better! And it starts now....signing off.
(For all the computer geeks out there, I know I am not supposed to shut down this way ever if at all possible, but that is not the issue I'm currently concerned with, so your lecture will have to wait....til I care.)
Lately, as in the past few days, weeks, ok fine, years...I've been dealing with feelings/emotions that tend to creep up out of nowhere. They happen to be my least favorite ones that circle around one theme: loneliness. Though I want nothing to do with it, it continues to show up at my doorstep uninvited...and I let it in.
**To all who are thinking it right now, YES I know I have 2 beautiful daughters that want nothing more than to shower me with love and affection....and YES I am thankful, very thankful. BUT I believe there is more than one type of loneliness. And when they scamper off to college, get married, or move across the globe, then I will feel that type of loneliness and sadness. That type I will call 'Type K' for kiddos.
The one I speak of that I loathe is 'Type P' for pitiful. I hate to get this visitor because that is what I feel like almost immediately, is pitiful, aka "full of pity". It's been 3 1/2 years since my divorce, but like 4 + years since I've had a feeling of a substantial relationship. I've had dates here and there and a couple month long things, but in the big scheme of life, that means virtually nothing. Nothing compared to those who are married for over 50 years and have a desire to be with them for 50 more. I want that. I long for hugs, affection, friendship that apparently is rare to find and hard to keep.
Problem is, I get into these funks where I start to feel all kinds of dumb things:
1. Hopeless- no one will want this scarred up girl with such bad past decisions. I always revert back to New Moon for some reason where Bella tells Jacob, "I'm not just some car you can fix up, I'll never run right." Exactly how I feel at times.
2. Desperate- I get lonely, I get desperate. I try too hard to get guys to notice me. I talk too much or feel as though I am constantly vying for attention. I hate that I do that and unfortunately don't notice until I feel like an idiot.
3. Anger- Well of course I feel anger! That is my default for when something isn't going as fast and smooth as I would like or I have to wait and trust God AGAIN for the feeling to pass or be fulfilled.
And that's just it, God really has fulfilled the sting of loneliness more often than not. But I guarantee that the handful of times He hasn't isn't because He wasn't trying, it's because I wouldn't let Him in. So my solution to this current uninvited visit from loneliness, is a forced shut down. Power button is being hit now, but in the future as I beg for more patience from God, I hope to do this the right way: control what visitors I let through my door; alternate my way of thinking, focus on God's love and comfort; and finally delete those 3 areas I let take over in these times, because this is just another tactic used by Satan to keep us defeated. The sooner this becomes 2nd nature, the better! And it starts now....signing off.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Detour, Roadblock....or a whole new highway?
What a ride 2012 has been so far! I am one confused and lost girl these days. I am pretty confident that Nationwide had to go. I was so incredibly miserable and just turned into a sour person being there day after day. I am a much happier person now, but I never would have taken that plunge without something to take its place.
Enter school: teacher education program. I thought, this is it! God is going to provide amazing opportunities and yes, he did! I knew I would have to modify my spending and change my lifestyle in more ways than one. But eventually, it would be worth it right? This is God's calling!
And it's February 21. I don't know if this is 'His' calling. I don't know if He wanted me to go back to school. I don't like my classes, well not well enough to keep going down this path. My undergraduate funding is done after this semester. I cannot and will not take master's classes AND cert. classes. I would die. I am about at that point now....
It turns out, I don't like to read as much as I thought. I don't like to sit in class as much as I thought. I don't like doing virtually nothing, but continue to spend money. I work part time and would like to be somewhere full time, with NO school. What am I to do? Pray. I know. I have been, over and over and over. I have heard nothing. Probably because my anxiety and worry are screaming at me so loud, I can't hear God's wisdom.
Now, my new thoughts are that I should wait awhile to do anymore schooling, which would most likely be my Master's since I know teaching is probably not going to work for me. But I don't want to start that until later, like when the girls are older and leave me to hang out with friends and have after school activities that don't require my presence. I want to spend time with them now as much as possible and long as they think I am cool and are willing to hug me in public.
I also struggle with relocation. Do I move to Nevada, or no? Do I stay in Ballard, but just relocate to somewhere a little more 'homey' to us? I know beyond a doubt I need to get out of apartment living. For those that know my previous moving patterns, I've now been in the same spot for 3 years, that is a record! But it is time to move on, to better options. I love Ballard school system. I don't want to leave that. But it's soooo expensive. I want the girls to go to a district start to finish if at all possible. And who's to say I wont' end up commuting to Des Moines again in the future?
It's all so unclear right now. I know what I would like in a perfect world. But this world is not perfect. So, what do I need to adapt, to do what God wants? I don't know what He wants, I can't hear Him.
God, PLEASE scream at me what you want me to do. Open my ears, close my stirring thoughts long enough to hear what you want...what is best for the girls and I. HELP ME JESUS!!!
Enter school: teacher education program. I thought, this is it! God is going to provide amazing opportunities and yes, he did! I knew I would have to modify my spending and change my lifestyle in more ways than one. But eventually, it would be worth it right? This is God's calling!
And it's February 21. I don't know if this is 'His' calling. I don't know if He wanted me to go back to school. I don't like my classes, well not well enough to keep going down this path. My undergraduate funding is done after this semester. I cannot and will not take master's classes AND cert. classes. I would die. I am about at that point now....
It turns out, I don't like to read as much as I thought. I don't like to sit in class as much as I thought. I don't like doing virtually nothing, but continue to spend money. I work part time and would like to be somewhere full time, with NO school. What am I to do? Pray. I know. I have been, over and over and over. I have heard nothing. Probably because my anxiety and worry are screaming at me so loud, I can't hear God's wisdom.
Now, my new thoughts are that I should wait awhile to do anymore schooling, which would most likely be my Master's since I know teaching is probably not going to work for me. But I don't want to start that until later, like when the girls are older and leave me to hang out with friends and have after school activities that don't require my presence. I want to spend time with them now as much as possible and long as they think I am cool and are willing to hug me in public.
I also struggle with relocation. Do I move to Nevada, or no? Do I stay in Ballard, but just relocate to somewhere a little more 'homey' to us? I know beyond a doubt I need to get out of apartment living. For those that know my previous moving patterns, I've now been in the same spot for 3 years, that is a record! But it is time to move on, to better options. I love Ballard school system. I don't want to leave that. But it's soooo expensive. I want the girls to go to a district start to finish if at all possible. And who's to say I wont' end up commuting to Des Moines again in the future?
It's all so unclear right now. I know what I would like in a perfect world. But this world is not perfect. So, what do I need to adapt, to do what God wants? I don't know what He wants, I can't hear Him.
God, PLEASE scream at me what you want me to do. Open my ears, close my stirring thoughts long enough to hear what you want...what is best for the girls and I. HELP ME JESUS!!!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Authentic
Precursor: I may regret writing this later.
au·then·tic /ɔˈθɛntɪk/ Show Spelled[aw-then-tik] Show IPA
adjective
1.
not false or copied; genuine; real
I'm in a place tonight where everything seems hopeless, in the relationship world anyway. I just had a conversation with someone I once cared a lot about and could see myself with for...well who knows. Thing is, as we were talking, reality was saying to me "there is no one out there for you, not for the standards you have". I really believe that is true. If I were to ever marry again (which is HIGHLY unlikely by itself) it would have to be with someone where I am their ONE. The person in which when they think of love, other that first and foremost to Jesus Christ, I should be their thought. I would be the one they think of ONLY when they think of the one they want to spend their life with. That has never happened to me. Of all my previous relationships, I have always been replaceable.
I know God gives me an authentic love. I know this. But is it even possible to get that from a human? Especially those who have been through some difficult life situations like myself? And at my age? I mean, once you give your heart to someone that you pledge to be with for life, only to have that pledge broken for one reason or another, is it possible to have that authentic love with someone else once your heart and trust have been so badly dishonored?
I would love for the answer to be 'absolutely'. But unfortunately, in my case, I highly doubt it happens. I do have many expections, things that I just can't have in a relationship because I know it would irritate me eventually, etc. But I am pretty certain of this: The sting, and I mean STING of loneliness will NEVER be worth the BS that goes on in the relationships or drama that I hear about daily. I mean, this guy (if he exists) will have to be pretty freakin' phenomenal for me to see past the world's relationships that are taking place right now. There's a thought on that... if 'he' does exist, I am pretty sure I don't exist in his world, so it doesn't apply.
I need some 'authentic' people to speak into my life for awhile...
au·then·tic /ɔˈθɛntɪk/ Show Spelled[aw-then-tik] Show IPA
adjective
1.
not false or copied; genuine; real
I'm in a place tonight where everything seems hopeless, in the relationship world anyway. I just had a conversation with someone I once cared a lot about and could see myself with for...well who knows. Thing is, as we were talking, reality was saying to me "there is no one out there for you, not for the standards you have". I really believe that is true. If I were to ever marry again (which is HIGHLY unlikely by itself) it would have to be with someone where I am their ONE. The person in which when they think of love, other that first and foremost to Jesus Christ, I should be their thought. I would be the one they think of ONLY when they think of the one they want to spend their life with. That has never happened to me. Of all my previous relationships, I have always been replaceable.
I know God gives me an authentic love. I know this. But is it even possible to get that from a human? Especially those who have been through some difficult life situations like myself? And at my age? I mean, once you give your heart to someone that you pledge to be with for life, only to have that pledge broken for one reason or another, is it possible to have that authentic love with someone else once your heart and trust have been so badly dishonored?
I would love for the answer to be 'absolutely'. But unfortunately, in my case, I highly doubt it happens. I do have many expections, things that I just can't have in a relationship because I know it would irritate me eventually, etc. But I am pretty certain of this: The sting, and I mean STING of loneliness will NEVER be worth the BS that goes on in the relationships or drama that I hear about daily. I mean, this guy (if he exists) will have to be pretty freakin' phenomenal for me to see past the world's relationships that are taking place right now. There's a thought on that... if 'he' does exist, I am pretty sure I don't exist in his world, so it doesn't apply.
I need some 'authentic' people to speak into my life for awhile...
Monday, January 23, 2012
Perspective
After some great feedback from my previous post, I feel better. And I'm glad scripture was envoked, because honestly, when I am at that point of anger, the bible is the last thing I grab.
It was also brought to my attention that none of these things that get under my skin, heating up my whole body, don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. None of them are 'life or death'. Is there someway I can get some verse and quotes tattooed on my arm to remember that? There has to be a way that isn't so permanent to help me remember. But then again, that's what I want isn't it? For it to stick with me permanently? Maybe just not on my body, but in my heart and mind instead.
Pruning is a process that I rather not endure. I realize it's necessary and that is for my benefit and those I love that I go through it. What I want to know is, where exactly did everything start going downhill? I can't pinpoint it exactly and can't tell where the anger actually comes from. I know I have that it comes from frustration, fear or hurt or all of the above. That is without a doubt true, but why? Why am I frustrated? What do I fear? How am I hurt? To my knowledge, I've talked to God about everything that could possibly be a hinderance and have no idea why these things would keep popping back into my life.
I was reading more about what pruning means in the plant world. Pruning needs to be done more than once. Actually it usually needs to be done multiple times. Undesirable parts of the plant grow back all the time and stubbornly refuse to just die, as does my sin and fleshly desires and behaviors, which include anger. Pruning NEVER ends as long as that plant is alive. And neither does ours. "Sorry Melisa, you failed test one. But don't worry there will be another one very soon!" says the teacher. Now at ISU I would be thrilled that another opportunity was given to pass a test. I would then study harder, longer and make sure nothing would cause me to fail this time. Well then why can't I view the tests God gives me in the same light?
I see the process like this: Study guide consists of the prayer conversation God and I have about what needs work. I cry out, he listens and is usually silent (I assume he's starting to draft the test). Then unlike normal study guides, I have no idea when the test will be. But it states in the bible over and over to BE READY!!! I'm usually not, and it usually happens in the morning when I'm in a 'mood' or after a long day and my nerves are shot. I'm not prepared, and haven't 'studied' as well as I should have. There is a ton of scripture to read and absorb for all of life's situations, but I usually put it on the back burner, much like most math tests in my life.
Rarely, in the middle of the test do I put my big girl pants on and gain perspective. It's almost always after I have handed in the test to the teacher with all of my answers being checked 'c' and seeing the look on the teacher's face as knows just as well as I do I failed, without even having to get the test key out.
This is my resolve and conclusion: God's tests aren't math tests! His are much more valuable and worthy of my precious time to study for.
God...let me see your tests as a way that you show love to me. You want me to be the best that you've created me for. Let me get rid of my childish mentality and 'woe is me' attitude everytime I get tested by you. Instead, let me be prepared and even excited to go through the refining process that I know will happen more and more as I go through this life. Let me embrace positive change that can only come through you. AMEN.
It was also brought to my attention that none of these things that get under my skin, heating up my whole body, don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. None of them are 'life or death'. Is there someway I can get some verse and quotes tattooed on my arm to remember that? There has to be a way that isn't so permanent to help me remember. But then again, that's what I want isn't it? For it to stick with me permanently? Maybe just not on my body, but in my heart and mind instead.
Pruning is a process that I rather not endure. I realize it's necessary and that is for my benefit and those I love that I go through it. What I want to know is, where exactly did everything start going downhill? I can't pinpoint it exactly and can't tell where the anger actually comes from. I know I have that it comes from frustration, fear or hurt or all of the above. That is without a doubt true, but why? Why am I frustrated? What do I fear? How am I hurt? To my knowledge, I've talked to God about everything that could possibly be a hinderance and have no idea why these things would keep popping back into my life.
I was reading more about what pruning means in the plant world. Pruning needs to be done more than once. Actually it usually needs to be done multiple times. Undesirable parts of the plant grow back all the time and stubbornly refuse to just die, as does my sin and fleshly desires and behaviors, which include anger. Pruning NEVER ends as long as that plant is alive. And neither does ours. "Sorry Melisa, you failed test one. But don't worry there will be another one very soon!" says the teacher. Now at ISU I would be thrilled that another opportunity was given to pass a test. I would then study harder, longer and make sure nothing would cause me to fail this time. Well then why can't I view the tests God gives me in the same light?
I see the process like this: Study guide consists of the prayer conversation God and I have about what needs work. I cry out, he listens and is usually silent (I assume he's starting to draft the test). Then unlike normal study guides, I have no idea when the test will be. But it states in the bible over and over to BE READY!!! I'm usually not, and it usually happens in the morning when I'm in a 'mood' or after a long day and my nerves are shot. I'm not prepared, and haven't 'studied' as well as I should have. There is a ton of scripture to read and absorb for all of life's situations, but I usually put it on the back burner, much like most math tests in my life.
Rarely, in the middle of the test do I put my big girl pants on and gain perspective. It's almost always after I have handed in the test to the teacher with all of my answers being checked 'c' and seeing the look on the teacher's face as knows just as well as I do I failed, without even having to get the test key out.
This is my resolve and conclusion: God's tests aren't math tests! His are much more valuable and worthy of my precious time to study for.
God...let me see your tests as a way that you show love to me. You want me to be the best that you've created me for. Let me get rid of my childish mentality and 'woe is me' attitude everytime I get tested by you. Instead, let me be prepared and even excited to go through the refining process that I know will happen more and more as I go through this life. Let me embrace positive change that can only come through you. AMEN.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Other Side of Love
I have that book, but needless to say I haven't read it all the way through. For any of those who know me well....I mean WELL, as in since elementary school, know that I have a herendous temper. I admit to throwing extremely childish fits behind closed doors and acting worse than a toddler when things don't go my way. B ut lately, as the past few days I think God is testing me. At first I thought it was Satan. But now that I think about what I have been praying for, I have asked God to HELP ME with these girls, when I am angry, or impatient with them. It's much easier or 'ok' in my mind to freak out in the privacy of my own home. But this is not the example I want to teach them. I want them to be gentle, laid back people who rely on God to take care of everything. I am not that example right now.
So, after all this crying out to God...MAKE ME A BETTER MOM....He is definitely trying. And I am failing. I am a head coach of a Kindergarten basketball team this year. Once again, those of you who know me can see the comedy. So if you are ever in need of a good laugh, come to Cornerstone every Saturday AM at 9:30 and prepare to split your side. Let me explain Kindergarten basketball...it's CHAOS. That is really all it is. No need to bother teaching fundamentals or drills or learning that whole dribbling, passing thing...because it's non-existent. And as a girl who likes structure and rules in her sports, this is killing me. Test #1= fail.
I also like to be on time or early FOR EVERYTHING. And when we have pictures at a certain time and I am totally sleep deprived...and not all of us are there, Melisa starts to freak out. I hate making people wait, I hate waiting. Test #2= fail.
All I wanted this morning was to get up go to church, get some focus on God. I try to check Eden in and of course the one computer I go to, out of paper. Next one, won't print. After nearly putting our coats back on and going back home and to bed for the day...we finally had someone get it. But it was too late. My blood was almost at boil level. Test #3= fail.
After getting Eden to her class, I thought a coffee is what I need to calm down...no a coffee AND a chocolate donut. Sesley and I are heading to the auditorium, coffee and donuts in tow. I take a sip, it's too hot. By the end of worship is when it is usually perfect temperature. I decide to put it where I can reach it, right to the left of my seat, just tucked under my seat. Well Mr. Bigfoot behind me decides his size 13's didn't have enough room so they proceed to knock my coffee over during our lovely 'meet and greet' time, which I could do without most days. Of course I didn't notice until that 2 minutes was up and by then it had spread to my purse a seat away......STEAM SIRENS!!!!! I lost it. Thank God for Sesley. She is such a trooper to my anger. She rushed out twice to get paper towels, but then was told she needed to take this massive red bucket in with cleaning supplies in it. Now, I am embarrassed and pissed. Even worse combination. Not to mention coffee splattered on my white hoodie, awesome. And my hand smelled like coffee for hours. I did not enjoy a bit of the service from that point on. Test #4= fail.
What does God want from me? Is this really the way He has to go about it? I'm at the point I don't want to enter the church if this is what is going to happen or how I will act. Yes, it's causing me to act more appropriately, but my flesh doesn't want to. It wants to continue breaking things, bruising my knuckles from punching a door or wall. I HATE that I have a temper. I could try and blame it on heredity and the whole Norweigan thing, but come on. I know better. That's just another excuse.
GOD....MOLD ME, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL, BUT MAKE ME WANT TO, MAKE ME DESIRE TO BE BETTER.....CALMER....MORE PEACEFUL. TAKE ALL MY ANGER GOD, DESTROY IT, REPLACE IT WITH YOUR PEACE. AMEN.
So, after all this crying out to God...MAKE ME A BETTER MOM....He is definitely trying. And I am failing. I am a head coach of a Kindergarten basketball team this year. Once again, those of you who know me can see the comedy. So if you are ever in need of a good laugh, come to Cornerstone every Saturday AM at 9:30 and prepare to split your side. Let me explain Kindergarten basketball...it's CHAOS. That is really all it is. No need to bother teaching fundamentals or drills or learning that whole dribbling, passing thing...because it's non-existent. And as a girl who likes structure and rules in her sports, this is killing me. Test #1= fail.
I also like to be on time or early FOR EVERYTHING. And when we have pictures at a certain time and I am totally sleep deprived...and not all of us are there, Melisa starts to freak out. I hate making people wait, I hate waiting. Test #2= fail.
All I wanted this morning was to get up go to church, get some focus on God. I try to check Eden in and of course the one computer I go to, out of paper. Next one, won't print. After nearly putting our coats back on and going back home and to bed for the day...we finally had someone get it. But it was too late. My blood was almost at boil level. Test #3= fail.
After getting Eden to her class, I thought a coffee is what I need to calm down...no a coffee AND a chocolate donut. Sesley and I are heading to the auditorium, coffee and donuts in tow. I take a sip, it's too hot. By the end of worship is when it is usually perfect temperature. I decide to put it where I can reach it, right to the left of my seat, just tucked under my seat. Well Mr. Bigfoot behind me decides his size 13's didn't have enough room so they proceed to knock my coffee over during our lovely 'meet and greet' time, which I could do without most days. Of course I didn't notice until that 2 minutes was up and by then it had spread to my purse a seat away......STEAM SIRENS!!!!! I lost it. Thank God for Sesley. She is such a trooper to my anger. She rushed out twice to get paper towels, but then was told she needed to take this massive red bucket in with cleaning supplies in it. Now, I am embarrassed and pissed. Even worse combination. Not to mention coffee splattered on my white hoodie, awesome. And my hand smelled like coffee for hours. I did not enjoy a bit of the service from that point on. Test #4= fail.
What does God want from me? Is this really the way He has to go about it? I'm at the point I don't want to enter the church if this is what is going to happen or how I will act. Yes, it's causing me to act more appropriately, but my flesh doesn't want to. It wants to continue breaking things, bruising my knuckles from punching a door or wall. I HATE that I have a temper. I could try and blame it on heredity and the whole Norweigan thing, but come on. I know better. That's just another excuse.
GOD....MOLD ME, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL, BUT MAKE ME WANT TO, MAKE ME DESIRE TO BE BETTER.....CALMER....MORE PEACEFUL. TAKE ALL MY ANGER GOD, DESTROY IT, REPLACE IT WITH YOUR PEACE. AMEN.
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