One thing that drives me absolutely crazy in regards to my computer and technology is when my screen freezes, the internet stops, or things click like crazy and flicker and I can do nothing put hold down the power button and force a shut down. In times like this there is no way I can have the patience to wait for the computer to chill out, shut down each program individually, ctrl/alt/del and THEN restart. It's not in my DNA. Maybe someday God will either create a super patience for technology or man will create technology for my lack of patience. I'll guess #1...great.
(For all the computer geeks out there, I know I am not supposed to shut down this way ever if at all possible, but that is not the issue I'm currently concerned with, so your lecture will have to wait....til I care.)
Lately, as in the past few days, weeks, ok fine, years...I've been dealing with feelings/emotions that tend to creep up out of nowhere. They happen to be my least favorite ones that circle around one theme: loneliness. Though I want nothing to do with it, it continues to show up at my doorstep uninvited...and I let it in.
**To all who are thinking it right now, YES I know I have 2 beautiful daughters that want nothing more than to shower me with love and affection....and YES I am thankful, very thankful. BUT I believe there is more than one type of loneliness. And when they scamper off to college, get married, or move across the globe, then I will feel that type of loneliness and sadness. That type I will call 'Type K' for kiddos.
The one I speak of that I loathe is 'Type P' for pitiful. I hate to get this visitor because that is what I feel like almost immediately, is pitiful, aka "full of pity". It's been 3 1/2 years since my divorce, but like 4 + years since I've had a feeling of a substantial relationship. I've had dates here and there and a couple month long things, but in the big scheme of life, that means virtually nothing. Nothing compared to those who are married for over 50 years and have a desire to be with them for 50 more. I want that. I long for hugs, affection, friendship that apparently is rare to find and hard to keep.
Problem is, I get into these funks where I start to feel all kinds of dumb things:
1. Hopeless- no one will want this scarred up girl with such bad past decisions. I always revert back to New Moon for some reason where Bella tells Jacob, "I'm not just some car you can fix up, I'll never run right." Exactly how I feel at times.
2. Desperate- I get lonely, I get desperate. I try too hard to get guys to notice me. I talk too much or feel as though I am constantly vying for attention. I hate that I do that and unfortunately don't notice until I feel like an idiot.
3. Anger- Well of course I feel anger! That is my default for when something isn't going as fast and smooth as I would like or I have to wait and trust God AGAIN for the feeling to pass or be fulfilled.
And that's just it, God really has fulfilled the sting of loneliness more often than not. But I guarantee that the handful of times He hasn't isn't because He wasn't trying, it's because I wouldn't let Him in. So my solution to this current uninvited visit from loneliness, is a forced shut down. Power button is being hit now, but in the future as I beg for more patience from God, I hope to do this the right way: control what visitors I let through my door; alternate my way of thinking, focus on God's love and comfort; and finally delete those 3 areas I let take over in these times, because this is just another tactic used by Satan to keep us defeated. The sooner this becomes 2nd nature, the better! And it starts now....signing off.
