It is just 3 days away from the end of the worst year of my life. "Oh Happy Day" may be playing at midnight instead of the classic "Auld Lang Syne". This is one I would be ok with losing memory of...and because of events that have happened this year, it's provoked me to write resolutions early, and clearly.
Resolutions not just for 2012, but for the duration of my life..preferably.
1. I have many family members and friends that don't know Jesus, and in turn mock me for lifestyle. As they should. I have been way to 'up and down', 'back and forth'...especially this past year. So this is my public profession, YES I love Jesus and YES I am going to act like it...more than just on Sundays, or when I am really absorbed in the word, but as if a parrot is sitting on my shoulder constantly recording my words and actions and telling the world. I don't know if I was trying to be 'cool' to some of them or just let things they do and say slide because I don't want to confront them on it. Well....this is your warning now, you may unfriend me or unfamily me by the end of 2012 because if you are not a believer/follower in Jesus Christ, I'm going to make you my mission! And if I lose facebook friends because of it, I'm perfectly fine with that.
2. I am going back to school for what I believe is God's calling. I am so excited and focused on this new adventure that I have made a deal with my oldest daughter, Sesley. If she is in ELP in the spring, I will make the Dean's List. I've done it before and have no doubt I can do it again :)
3. Weight has always being my enemy. Im in a constant yo-yo mode with it and it's so frustrating. I'm resolving in this year of greatness to step out of that mindset. Get exercise and eating better to be my default. I want to hunger for it, long for it after a hard day of studying or work. Of course, with that will hopefully come some substantial weight loss as I am not currently in a healthy range. I'm not getting any younger and have to get healthier if I'm going to preach to the Nations about my amazing Savior!
4. I vow to make smarter choices in the relationship realm. I have made some poor choices this year, and previous years. Loneliness is usually where it stems from, that and one of my top love languages, Words of Affirmation. I love to hear how pretty I am....while being held tightly. I usually get in situations that God does not want me even near. So, with God's help I pray I ignore the loneliness and put myself in the arms of my Father, and let Him act as the husband I need in this season. I also am trying to come to grips that I may possibly never have a physical husband again. Therefore, I need to learn how to be content with this life I have now.
5. I think I pretty much suck as a friend somedays. I need to PUT OTHER'S NEEDS BEFORE MINE! This is going to be the toughtest one I think. There are so many people out there I just need to focus on more than I do that really need Jesus and need someone to show them that God does love them. If I would just lose that hour of sleep one night to comfort a friend who is sad or go see that person that is in the middle of a horrible depression....God only knows what could change!
So...that is the list. That is plenty for now, I may add as I perfect these :) Lord, take these requests, show me how to grow into the daughter you want me to be. I wish to make you proud and desire to do your will... I love you Jesus and am excited for this journey with you in 2012!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Positive Polly I promise!
As I was looking through my previous posts, I seem incredibly negative and depressed. I want you to know that isn't the case...it's just unfortunately, reality is that depressing and sometimes negative!
I am incredibly excited to be embarking on a new chapter in my life. Education screams Melisa and I cannot wait to be in the lives of jr. highers who need that person in their life to care and make a difference. I am more than ready for that challenge...I invite it whole-heartedly. I also am so far past elated of the schedule I will be on and able to be with my girls more.
Currently, I am so exhausted, moody and just plain drained, that I have no desire to do a thing once I get home. I don't want to work out, eat right, or do any housework because I just am that low. Even though I have officially put in my notice, I still feel the lull of the place since I am still there day to day...for now.
I am also doing much better at not freaking out about the future, because it really IS God in control, me having control or any type of security (financial or otherwise) is a complete illusion. God has this all in His hands. ALL of it. He was there when I made the decision to move back to Iowa in 2007 to finish my degree the first time around. He's been there through my divorce, lack of support from dads...both financial and physical. He has NEVER left us alone....so why in the world would he now, when I am out to better myself both as a mother and a person in our society? Makes no sense and it's not something I can find in the bible, therefore, trusting Him is my only option.
There are a couple more things on my mind. First, in regards to me leaving a full time salary of $37k a year may seem incredibly stupid to most, most that don't have Jesus or desire to be obedient to him especially; but also to some 'Christians'....and I quote for a reason. There is a big 'F' word I want to throw out to those people....wait for it.....FAITH! My word people, if I have the faith of a mustard seed, I will be blessed. Well, from what I see from some 'Christians' I have spoke to, they are like talking to those at work that don't understand. SO TO CLEAR IT ALL UP: Whether you believe in Jesus or not, whether you really follow Him or not...I've been led to this. I have NO doubt in my mind, Jesus has this in store for me. Many wonder how I will be able to do this....well answer is...I won't. Not without Jesus. I need Him, and I know that. I know that He has got me here to this point, and I KNOW that he won't leave me here. So...if that is not enough of an explanation, I'm sorry but that is the only one I have.
Lastly....as many of you know, I lost my mom almost 11 months ago and it has been a year from hell. It's been real 'cute' that people try to reach out and help....but honestly, if you don't mean it, if you don't really want an 'adopted daughter and granddaughters'....don't bother. I won't be offended. I would much rather you be real and upfront and state that your intentions will probably fall short. Because honestly, there is not one person out there that I will EVER be able to call and say "Hey, can you pick up the girls from school so I can go have dinner with some co-workers?" or "Hey, I need you to come help me get this place organized, it's a pit!" or "Can you just make me dinner to go, I can't stay, got studying to do." There is NO ONE on this earth I can talk to that freely with.....but my mom. So, don't feel sorry for me, I've been at this single mom gig for awhile now, and I know how it works. I have no parents alive, but no one can replace them. And most who try, fall short 99.9% of the time...at this point in the game....I have pretty much no faith in people....just God.
I am incredibly excited to be embarking on a new chapter in my life. Education screams Melisa and I cannot wait to be in the lives of jr. highers who need that person in their life to care and make a difference. I am more than ready for that challenge...I invite it whole-heartedly. I also am so far past elated of the schedule I will be on and able to be with my girls more.
Currently, I am so exhausted, moody and just plain drained, that I have no desire to do a thing once I get home. I don't want to work out, eat right, or do any housework because I just am that low. Even though I have officially put in my notice, I still feel the lull of the place since I am still there day to day...for now.
I am also doing much better at not freaking out about the future, because it really IS God in control, me having control or any type of security (financial or otherwise) is a complete illusion. God has this all in His hands. ALL of it. He was there when I made the decision to move back to Iowa in 2007 to finish my degree the first time around. He's been there through my divorce, lack of support from dads...both financial and physical. He has NEVER left us alone....so why in the world would he now, when I am out to better myself both as a mother and a person in our society? Makes no sense and it's not something I can find in the bible, therefore, trusting Him is my only option.
There are a couple more things on my mind. First, in regards to me leaving a full time salary of $37k a year may seem incredibly stupid to most, most that don't have Jesus or desire to be obedient to him especially; but also to some 'Christians'....and I quote for a reason. There is a big 'F' word I want to throw out to those people....wait for it.....FAITH! My word people, if I have the faith of a mustard seed, I will be blessed. Well, from what I see from some 'Christians' I have spoke to, they are like talking to those at work that don't understand. SO TO CLEAR IT ALL UP: Whether you believe in Jesus or not, whether you really follow Him or not...I've been led to this. I have NO doubt in my mind, Jesus has this in store for me. Many wonder how I will be able to do this....well answer is...I won't. Not without Jesus. I need Him, and I know that. I know that He has got me here to this point, and I KNOW that he won't leave me here. So...if that is not enough of an explanation, I'm sorry but that is the only one I have.
Lastly....as many of you know, I lost my mom almost 11 months ago and it has been a year from hell. It's been real 'cute' that people try to reach out and help....but honestly, if you don't mean it, if you don't really want an 'adopted daughter and granddaughters'....don't bother. I won't be offended. I would much rather you be real and upfront and state that your intentions will probably fall short. Because honestly, there is not one person out there that I will EVER be able to call and say "Hey, can you pick up the girls from school so I can go have dinner with some co-workers?" or "Hey, I need you to come help me get this place organized, it's a pit!" or "Can you just make me dinner to go, I can't stay, got studying to do." There is NO ONE on this earth I can talk to that freely with.....but my mom. So, don't feel sorry for me, I've been at this single mom gig for awhile now, and I know how it works. I have no parents alive, but no one can replace them. And most who try, fall short 99.9% of the time...at this point in the game....I have pretty much no faith in people....just God.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Birth of our King...yes...but still dealing with the death of a Queen
I usually LOVE Christmas. The smell of snow in the air, the extra smiles you get walking down the street or in your local department store. The feeling and spirit of Christmas is thick and you run into it everywhere you go. However this year, I'm either dodging all the fairy dust being sprinkled or I'm just numb to it. It has to be the second one.
God brought his only son into this harsh, unforgiving world and we celebrate that every year. And I am usually on board. But this year, being the first year I am going thru without my mom, I have zero desire to celebrate.
I postponed getting the tree out for awhile now, but got it out today. I got it up, and it was frustrating me the whole time. Needles all over the place, getting the branches just right. Then came the lights, and luckily the girls were playing in their room during this part. I get them all just how they should be, and I put them on backwards. The plug in was at the top and the connector was at the bottom. Super. I have a minor temper...cough...hmmm....as it is, so I almost threw the tree off the deck. But thank God for some self control I have acquired over the years because instead, I just dropped to my knees and cried.
We had a message today that spoke a lot of blaspheming God. I do it all the time. I mean ALL the time. This morning, the car doors wouldn't open because they were frozen. Once I got into mine, I got the scraper and just beat the car doors to death, probably saying everything BUT Hallelujah, Praise Jesus. I looked like an idiot and felt like one later. Hearing that message solidified it, I blaspheme all the time. I am mad for where I am in life, pretty much constantly. And yes, I know God doesn't make mistakes, but I can't seem to be thankful anyway, not all the time. And not at this time of year when I miss my mom terribly.
Right about now, I should be getting cookies, candies, and gifts from Virginia. And later in the next day or two get a phone call saying, "Don't you open those presents til Christmas! You better wait!" And I NEVER waited. If there is going to be ANY perk of being an adult and not living near your mom, it's being able to open your presents WHENEVER you want!
This is going to be tough, I can feel it creeping into my spirit. I love Jesus and love God for giving him to us to be slaughtered in our place because of our disgraceful sins. I love that God sees us as being valuable enough to give up his only son, FOR US....most who don't even recognize him on a daily basis. But it is going to be incredibly difficult to be thankful for a Christmas season without my mom. This is a repeat of what I felt 14 years ago when my dad was gone for the first Christmas....it straight up sucked. Deja vu'.
God brought his only son into this harsh, unforgiving world and we celebrate that every year. And I am usually on board. But this year, being the first year I am going thru without my mom, I have zero desire to celebrate.
I postponed getting the tree out for awhile now, but got it out today. I got it up, and it was frustrating me the whole time. Needles all over the place, getting the branches just right. Then came the lights, and luckily the girls were playing in their room during this part. I get them all just how they should be, and I put them on backwards. The plug in was at the top and the connector was at the bottom. Super. I have a minor temper...cough...hmmm....as it is, so I almost threw the tree off the deck. But thank God for some self control I have acquired over the years because instead, I just dropped to my knees and cried.
We had a message today that spoke a lot of blaspheming God. I do it all the time. I mean ALL the time. This morning, the car doors wouldn't open because they were frozen. Once I got into mine, I got the scraper and just beat the car doors to death, probably saying everything BUT Hallelujah, Praise Jesus. I looked like an idiot and felt like one later. Hearing that message solidified it, I blaspheme all the time. I am mad for where I am in life, pretty much constantly. And yes, I know God doesn't make mistakes, but I can't seem to be thankful anyway, not all the time. And not at this time of year when I miss my mom terribly.
Right about now, I should be getting cookies, candies, and gifts from Virginia. And later in the next day or two get a phone call saying, "Don't you open those presents til Christmas! You better wait!" And I NEVER waited. If there is going to be ANY perk of being an adult and not living near your mom, it's being able to open your presents WHENEVER you want!
This is going to be tough, I can feel it creeping into my spirit. I love Jesus and love God for giving him to us to be slaughtered in our place because of our disgraceful sins. I love that God sees us as being valuable enough to give up his only son, FOR US....most who don't even recognize him on a daily basis. But it is going to be incredibly difficult to be thankful for a Christmas season without my mom. This is a repeat of what I felt 14 years ago when my dad was gone for the first Christmas....it straight up sucked. Deja vu'.
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