I usually LOVE Christmas. The smell of snow in the air, the extra smiles you get walking down the street or in your local department store. The feeling and spirit of Christmas is thick and you run into it everywhere you go. However this year, I'm either dodging all the fairy dust being sprinkled or I'm just numb to it. It has to be the second one.
God brought his only son into this harsh, unforgiving world and we celebrate that every year. And I am usually on board. But this year, being the first year I am going thru without my mom, I have zero desire to celebrate.
I postponed getting the tree out for awhile now, but got it out today. I got it up, and it was frustrating me the whole time. Needles all over the place, getting the branches just right. Then came the lights, and luckily the girls were playing in their room during this part. I get them all just how they should be, and I put them on backwards. The plug in was at the top and the connector was at the bottom. Super. I have a minor temper...cough...hmmm....as it is, so I almost threw the tree off the deck. But thank God for some self control I have acquired over the years because instead, I just dropped to my knees and cried.
We had a message today that spoke a lot of blaspheming God. I do it all the time. I mean ALL the time. This morning, the car doors wouldn't open because they were frozen. Once I got into mine, I got the scraper and just beat the car doors to death, probably saying everything BUT Hallelujah, Praise Jesus. I looked like an idiot and felt like one later. Hearing that message solidified it, I blaspheme all the time. I am mad for where I am in life, pretty much constantly. And yes, I know God doesn't make mistakes, but I can't seem to be thankful anyway, not all the time. And not at this time of year when I miss my mom terribly.
Right about now, I should be getting cookies, candies, and gifts from Virginia. And later in the next day or two get a phone call saying, "Don't you open those presents til Christmas! You better wait!" And I NEVER waited. If there is going to be ANY perk of being an adult and not living near your mom, it's being able to open your presents WHENEVER you want!
This is going to be tough, I can feel it creeping into my spirit. I love Jesus and love God for giving him to us to be slaughtered in our place because of our disgraceful sins. I love that God sees us as being valuable enough to give up his only son, FOR US....most who don't even recognize him on a daily basis. But it is going to be incredibly difficult to be thankful for a Christmas season without my mom. This is a repeat of what I felt 14 years ago when my dad was gone for the first Christmas....it straight up sucked. Deja vu'.
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