As I was looking through my previous posts, I seem incredibly negative and depressed. I want you to know that isn't the case...it's just unfortunately, reality is that depressing and sometimes negative!
I am incredibly excited to be embarking on a new chapter in my life. Education screams Melisa and I cannot wait to be in the lives of jr. highers who need that person in their life to care and make a difference. I am more than ready for that challenge...I invite it whole-heartedly. I also am so far past elated of the schedule I will be on and able to be with my girls more.
Currently, I am so exhausted, moody and just plain drained, that I have no desire to do a thing once I get home. I don't want to work out, eat right, or do any housework because I just am that low. Even though I have officially put in my notice, I still feel the lull of the place since I am still there day to day...for now.
I am also doing much better at not freaking out about the future, because it really IS God in control, me having control or any type of security (financial or otherwise) is a complete illusion. God has this all in His hands. ALL of it. He was there when I made the decision to move back to Iowa in 2007 to finish my degree the first time around. He's been there through my divorce, lack of support from dads...both financial and physical. He has NEVER left us alone....so why in the world would he now, when I am out to better myself both as a mother and a person in our society? Makes no sense and it's not something I can find in the bible, therefore, trusting Him is my only option.
There are a couple more things on my mind. First, in regards to me leaving a full time salary of $37k a year may seem incredibly stupid to most, most that don't have Jesus or desire to be obedient to him especially; but also to some 'Christians'....and I quote for a reason. There is a big 'F' word I want to throw out to those people....wait for it.....FAITH! My word people, if I have the faith of a mustard seed, I will be blessed. Well, from what I see from some 'Christians' I have spoke to, they are like talking to those at work that don't understand. SO TO CLEAR IT ALL UP: Whether you believe in Jesus or not, whether you really follow Him or not...I've been led to this. I have NO doubt in my mind, Jesus has this in store for me. Many wonder how I will be able to do this....well answer is...I won't. Not without Jesus. I need Him, and I know that. I know that He has got me here to this point, and I KNOW that he won't leave me here. So...if that is not enough of an explanation, I'm sorry but that is the only one I have.
Lastly....as many of you know, I lost my mom almost 11 months ago and it has been a year from hell. It's been real 'cute' that people try to reach out and help....but honestly, if you don't mean it, if you don't really want an 'adopted daughter and granddaughters'....don't bother. I won't be offended. I would much rather you be real and upfront and state that your intentions will probably fall short. Because honestly, there is not one person out there that I will EVER be able to call and say "Hey, can you pick up the girls from school so I can go have dinner with some co-workers?" or "Hey, I need you to come help me get this place organized, it's a pit!" or "Can you just make me dinner to go, I can't stay, got studying to do." There is NO ONE on this earth I can talk to that freely with.....but my mom. So, don't feel sorry for me, I've been at this single mom gig for awhile now, and I know how it works. I have no parents alive, but no one can replace them. And most who try, fall short 99.9% of the time...at this point in the game....I have pretty much no faith in people....just God.
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