Precursor: I may regret writing this later.
au·then·tic /ɔˈθɛntɪk/ Show Spelled[aw-then-tik] Show IPA
adjective
1.
not false or copied; genuine; real
I'm in a place tonight where everything seems hopeless, in the relationship world anyway. I just had a conversation with someone I once cared a lot about and could see myself with for...well who knows. Thing is, as we were talking, reality was saying to me "there is no one out there for you, not for the standards you have". I really believe that is true. If I were to ever marry again (which is HIGHLY unlikely by itself) it would have to be with someone where I am their ONE. The person in which when they think of love, other that first and foremost to Jesus Christ, I should be their thought. I would be the one they think of ONLY when they think of the one they want to spend their life with. That has never happened to me. Of all my previous relationships, I have always been replaceable.
I know God gives me an authentic love. I know this. But is it even possible to get that from a human? Especially those who have been through some difficult life situations like myself? And at my age? I mean, once you give your heart to someone that you pledge to be with for life, only to have that pledge broken for one reason or another, is it possible to have that authentic love with someone else once your heart and trust have been so badly dishonored?
I would love for the answer to be 'absolutely'. But unfortunately, in my case, I highly doubt it happens. I do have many expections, things that I just can't have in a relationship because I know it would irritate me eventually, etc. But I am pretty certain of this: The sting, and I mean STING of loneliness will NEVER be worth the BS that goes on in the relationships or drama that I hear about daily. I mean, this guy (if he exists) will have to be pretty freakin' phenomenal for me to see past the world's relationships that are taking place right now. There's a thought on that... if 'he' does exist, I am pretty sure I don't exist in his world, so it doesn't apply.
I need some 'authentic' people to speak into my life for awhile...
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Perspective
After some great feedback from my previous post, I feel better. And I'm glad scripture was envoked, because honestly, when I am at that point of anger, the bible is the last thing I grab.
It was also brought to my attention that none of these things that get under my skin, heating up my whole body, don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. None of them are 'life or death'. Is there someway I can get some verse and quotes tattooed on my arm to remember that? There has to be a way that isn't so permanent to help me remember. But then again, that's what I want isn't it? For it to stick with me permanently? Maybe just not on my body, but in my heart and mind instead.
Pruning is a process that I rather not endure. I realize it's necessary and that is for my benefit and those I love that I go through it. What I want to know is, where exactly did everything start going downhill? I can't pinpoint it exactly and can't tell where the anger actually comes from. I know I have that it comes from frustration, fear or hurt or all of the above. That is without a doubt true, but why? Why am I frustrated? What do I fear? How am I hurt? To my knowledge, I've talked to God about everything that could possibly be a hinderance and have no idea why these things would keep popping back into my life.
I was reading more about what pruning means in the plant world. Pruning needs to be done more than once. Actually it usually needs to be done multiple times. Undesirable parts of the plant grow back all the time and stubbornly refuse to just die, as does my sin and fleshly desires and behaviors, which include anger. Pruning NEVER ends as long as that plant is alive. And neither does ours. "Sorry Melisa, you failed test one. But don't worry there will be another one very soon!" says the teacher. Now at ISU I would be thrilled that another opportunity was given to pass a test. I would then study harder, longer and make sure nothing would cause me to fail this time. Well then why can't I view the tests God gives me in the same light?
I see the process like this: Study guide consists of the prayer conversation God and I have about what needs work. I cry out, he listens and is usually silent (I assume he's starting to draft the test). Then unlike normal study guides, I have no idea when the test will be. But it states in the bible over and over to BE READY!!! I'm usually not, and it usually happens in the morning when I'm in a 'mood' or after a long day and my nerves are shot. I'm not prepared, and haven't 'studied' as well as I should have. There is a ton of scripture to read and absorb for all of life's situations, but I usually put it on the back burner, much like most math tests in my life.
Rarely, in the middle of the test do I put my big girl pants on and gain perspective. It's almost always after I have handed in the test to the teacher with all of my answers being checked 'c' and seeing the look on the teacher's face as knows just as well as I do I failed, without even having to get the test key out.
This is my resolve and conclusion: God's tests aren't math tests! His are much more valuable and worthy of my precious time to study for.
God...let me see your tests as a way that you show love to me. You want me to be the best that you've created me for. Let me get rid of my childish mentality and 'woe is me' attitude everytime I get tested by you. Instead, let me be prepared and even excited to go through the refining process that I know will happen more and more as I go through this life. Let me embrace positive change that can only come through you. AMEN.
It was also brought to my attention that none of these things that get under my skin, heating up my whole body, don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. None of them are 'life or death'. Is there someway I can get some verse and quotes tattooed on my arm to remember that? There has to be a way that isn't so permanent to help me remember. But then again, that's what I want isn't it? For it to stick with me permanently? Maybe just not on my body, but in my heart and mind instead.
Pruning is a process that I rather not endure. I realize it's necessary and that is for my benefit and those I love that I go through it. What I want to know is, where exactly did everything start going downhill? I can't pinpoint it exactly and can't tell where the anger actually comes from. I know I have that it comes from frustration, fear or hurt or all of the above. That is without a doubt true, but why? Why am I frustrated? What do I fear? How am I hurt? To my knowledge, I've talked to God about everything that could possibly be a hinderance and have no idea why these things would keep popping back into my life.
I was reading more about what pruning means in the plant world. Pruning needs to be done more than once. Actually it usually needs to be done multiple times. Undesirable parts of the plant grow back all the time and stubbornly refuse to just die, as does my sin and fleshly desires and behaviors, which include anger. Pruning NEVER ends as long as that plant is alive. And neither does ours. "Sorry Melisa, you failed test one. But don't worry there will be another one very soon!" says the teacher. Now at ISU I would be thrilled that another opportunity was given to pass a test. I would then study harder, longer and make sure nothing would cause me to fail this time. Well then why can't I view the tests God gives me in the same light?
I see the process like this: Study guide consists of the prayer conversation God and I have about what needs work. I cry out, he listens and is usually silent (I assume he's starting to draft the test). Then unlike normal study guides, I have no idea when the test will be. But it states in the bible over and over to BE READY!!! I'm usually not, and it usually happens in the morning when I'm in a 'mood' or after a long day and my nerves are shot. I'm not prepared, and haven't 'studied' as well as I should have. There is a ton of scripture to read and absorb for all of life's situations, but I usually put it on the back burner, much like most math tests in my life.
Rarely, in the middle of the test do I put my big girl pants on and gain perspective. It's almost always after I have handed in the test to the teacher with all of my answers being checked 'c' and seeing the look on the teacher's face as knows just as well as I do I failed, without even having to get the test key out.
This is my resolve and conclusion: God's tests aren't math tests! His are much more valuable and worthy of my precious time to study for.
God...let me see your tests as a way that you show love to me. You want me to be the best that you've created me for. Let me get rid of my childish mentality and 'woe is me' attitude everytime I get tested by you. Instead, let me be prepared and even excited to go through the refining process that I know will happen more and more as I go through this life. Let me embrace positive change that can only come through you. AMEN.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Other Side of Love
I have that book, but needless to say I haven't read it all the way through. For any of those who know me well....I mean WELL, as in since elementary school, know that I have a herendous temper. I admit to throwing extremely childish fits behind closed doors and acting worse than a toddler when things don't go my way. B ut lately, as the past few days I think God is testing me. At first I thought it was Satan. But now that I think about what I have been praying for, I have asked God to HELP ME with these girls, when I am angry, or impatient with them. It's much easier or 'ok' in my mind to freak out in the privacy of my own home. But this is not the example I want to teach them. I want them to be gentle, laid back people who rely on God to take care of everything. I am not that example right now.
So, after all this crying out to God...MAKE ME A BETTER MOM....He is definitely trying. And I am failing. I am a head coach of a Kindergarten basketball team this year. Once again, those of you who know me can see the comedy. So if you are ever in need of a good laugh, come to Cornerstone every Saturday AM at 9:30 and prepare to split your side. Let me explain Kindergarten basketball...it's CHAOS. That is really all it is. No need to bother teaching fundamentals or drills or learning that whole dribbling, passing thing...because it's non-existent. And as a girl who likes structure and rules in her sports, this is killing me. Test #1= fail.
I also like to be on time or early FOR EVERYTHING. And when we have pictures at a certain time and I am totally sleep deprived...and not all of us are there, Melisa starts to freak out. I hate making people wait, I hate waiting. Test #2= fail.
All I wanted this morning was to get up go to church, get some focus on God. I try to check Eden in and of course the one computer I go to, out of paper. Next one, won't print. After nearly putting our coats back on and going back home and to bed for the day...we finally had someone get it. But it was too late. My blood was almost at boil level. Test #3= fail.
After getting Eden to her class, I thought a coffee is what I need to calm down...no a coffee AND a chocolate donut. Sesley and I are heading to the auditorium, coffee and donuts in tow. I take a sip, it's too hot. By the end of worship is when it is usually perfect temperature. I decide to put it where I can reach it, right to the left of my seat, just tucked under my seat. Well Mr. Bigfoot behind me decides his size 13's didn't have enough room so they proceed to knock my coffee over during our lovely 'meet and greet' time, which I could do without most days. Of course I didn't notice until that 2 minutes was up and by then it had spread to my purse a seat away......STEAM SIRENS!!!!! I lost it. Thank God for Sesley. She is such a trooper to my anger. She rushed out twice to get paper towels, but then was told she needed to take this massive red bucket in with cleaning supplies in it. Now, I am embarrassed and pissed. Even worse combination. Not to mention coffee splattered on my white hoodie, awesome. And my hand smelled like coffee for hours. I did not enjoy a bit of the service from that point on. Test #4= fail.
What does God want from me? Is this really the way He has to go about it? I'm at the point I don't want to enter the church if this is what is going to happen or how I will act. Yes, it's causing me to act more appropriately, but my flesh doesn't want to. It wants to continue breaking things, bruising my knuckles from punching a door or wall. I HATE that I have a temper. I could try and blame it on heredity and the whole Norweigan thing, but come on. I know better. That's just another excuse.
GOD....MOLD ME, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL, BUT MAKE ME WANT TO, MAKE ME DESIRE TO BE BETTER.....CALMER....MORE PEACEFUL. TAKE ALL MY ANGER GOD, DESTROY IT, REPLACE IT WITH YOUR PEACE. AMEN.
So, after all this crying out to God...MAKE ME A BETTER MOM....He is definitely trying. And I am failing. I am a head coach of a Kindergarten basketball team this year. Once again, those of you who know me can see the comedy. So if you are ever in need of a good laugh, come to Cornerstone every Saturday AM at 9:30 and prepare to split your side. Let me explain Kindergarten basketball...it's CHAOS. That is really all it is. No need to bother teaching fundamentals or drills or learning that whole dribbling, passing thing...because it's non-existent. And as a girl who likes structure and rules in her sports, this is killing me. Test #1= fail.
I also like to be on time or early FOR EVERYTHING. And when we have pictures at a certain time and I am totally sleep deprived...and not all of us are there, Melisa starts to freak out. I hate making people wait, I hate waiting. Test #2= fail.
All I wanted this morning was to get up go to church, get some focus on God. I try to check Eden in and of course the one computer I go to, out of paper. Next one, won't print. After nearly putting our coats back on and going back home and to bed for the day...we finally had someone get it. But it was too late. My blood was almost at boil level. Test #3= fail.
After getting Eden to her class, I thought a coffee is what I need to calm down...no a coffee AND a chocolate donut. Sesley and I are heading to the auditorium, coffee and donuts in tow. I take a sip, it's too hot. By the end of worship is when it is usually perfect temperature. I decide to put it where I can reach it, right to the left of my seat, just tucked under my seat. Well Mr. Bigfoot behind me decides his size 13's didn't have enough room so they proceed to knock my coffee over during our lovely 'meet and greet' time, which I could do without most days. Of course I didn't notice until that 2 minutes was up and by then it had spread to my purse a seat away......STEAM SIRENS!!!!! I lost it. Thank God for Sesley. She is such a trooper to my anger. She rushed out twice to get paper towels, but then was told she needed to take this massive red bucket in with cleaning supplies in it. Now, I am embarrassed and pissed. Even worse combination. Not to mention coffee splattered on my white hoodie, awesome. And my hand smelled like coffee for hours. I did not enjoy a bit of the service from that point on. Test #4= fail.
What does God want from me? Is this really the way He has to go about it? I'm at the point I don't want to enter the church if this is what is going to happen or how I will act. Yes, it's causing me to act more appropriately, but my flesh doesn't want to. It wants to continue breaking things, bruising my knuckles from punching a door or wall. I HATE that I have a temper. I could try and blame it on heredity and the whole Norweigan thing, but come on. I know better. That's just another excuse.
GOD....MOLD ME, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL, BUT MAKE ME WANT TO, MAKE ME DESIRE TO BE BETTER.....CALMER....MORE PEACEFUL. TAKE ALL MY ANGER GOD, DESTROY IT, REPLACE IT WITH YOUR PEACE. AMEN.
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