I have that book, but needless to say I haven't read it all the way through. For any of those who know me well....I mean WELL, as in since elementary school, know that I have a herendous temper. I admit to throwing extremely childish fits behind closed doors and acting worse than a toddler when things don't go my way. B ut lately, as the past few days I think God is testing me. At first I thought it was Satan. But now that I think about what I have been praying for, I have asked God to HELP ME with these girls, when I am angry, or impatient with them. It's much easier or 'ok' in my mind to freak out in the privacy of my own home. But this is not the example I want to teach them. I want them to be gentle, laid back people who rely on God to take care of everything. I am not that example right now.
So, after all this crying out to God...MAKE ME A BETTER MOM....He is definitely trying. And I am failing. I am a head coach of a Kindergarten basketball team this year. Once again, those of you who know me can see the comedy. So if you are ever in need of a good laugh, come to Cornerstone every Saturday AM at 9:30 and prepare to split your side. Let me explain Kindergarten basketball...it's CHAOS. That is really all it is. No need to bother teaching fundamentals or drills or learning that whole dribbling, passing thing...because it's non-existent. And as a girl who likes structure and rules in her sports, this is killing me. Test #1= fail.
I also like to be on time or early FOR EVERYTHING. And when we have pictures at a certain time and I am totally sleep deprived...and not all of us are there, Melisa starts to freak out. I hate making people wait, I hate waiting. Test #2= fail.
All I wanted this morning was to get up go to church, get some focus on God. I try to check Eden in and of course the one computer I go to, out of paper. Next one, won't print. After nearly putting our coats back on and going back home and to bed for the day...we finally had someone get it. But it was too late. My blood was almost at boil level. Test #3= fail.
After getting Eden to her class, I thought a coffee is what I need to calm down...no a coffee AND a chocolate donut. Sesley and I are heading to the auditorium, coffee and donuts in tow. I take a sip, it's too hot. By the end of worship is when it is usually perfect temperature. I decide to put it where I can reach it, right to the left of my seat, just tucked under my seat. Well Mr. Bigfoot behind me decides his size 13's didn't have enough room so they proceed to knock my coffee over during our lovely 'meet and greet' time, which I could do without most days. Of course I didn't notice until that 2 minutes was up and by then it had spread to my purse a seat away......STEAM SIRENS!!!!! I lost it. Thank God for Sesley. She is such a trooper to my anger. She rushed out twice to get paper towels, but then was told she needed to take this massive red bucket in with cleaning supplies in it. Now, I am embarrassed and pissed. Even worse combination. Not to mention coffee splattered on my white hoodie, awesome. And my hand smelled like coffee for hours. I did not enjoy a bit of the service from that point on. Test #4= fail.
What does God want from me? Is this really the way He has to go about it? I'm at the point I don't want to enter the church if this is what is going to happen or how I will act. Yes, it's causing me to act more appropriately, but my flesh doesn't want to. It wants to continue breaking things, bruising my knuckles from punching a door or wall. I HATE that I have a temper. I could try and blame it on heredity and the whole Norweigan thing, but come on. I know better. That's just another excuse.
GOD....MOLD ME, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL, BUT MAKE ME WANT TO, MAKE ME DESIRE TO BE BETTER.....CALMER....MORE PEACEFUL. TAKE ALL MY ANGER GOD, DESTROY IT, REPLACE IT WITH YOUR PEACE. AMEN.
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