Authentic

Precursor: I may regret writing this later.


au·then·tic   /ɔˈθɛntɪk/ Show Spelled[aw-then-tik] Show IPA
adjective
1.
not false or copied; genuine; real

I'm in a place tonight where everything seems hopeless, in the relationship world anyway. I just had a conversation with someone I once cared a lot about and could see myself with for...well who knows. Thing is, as we were talking, reality was saying to me "there is no one out there for you, not for the standards you have". I really believe that is true. If I were to ever marry again (which is HIGHLY unlikely by itself) it would have to be with someone where I am their ONE. The person in which when they think of love, other that first and foremost to Jesus Christ, I should be their thought. I would be the one they think of ONLY when they think of the one they want to spend their life with. That has never happened to me. Of all my previous relationships, I have always been replaceable.

I know God gives me an authentic love. I know this. But is it even possible to get that from a human? Especially those who have been through some difficult life situations like myself? And at my age? I mean, once you give your heart to someone that you pledge to be with for life, only to have that pledge broken for one reason or another, is it possible to have that authentic love with someone else once your heart and trust have been so badly dishonored?

I would love for the answer to be 'absolutely'. But unfortunately, in my case, I highly doubt it happens. I do have many expections, things that I just can't have in a relationship because I know it would irritate me eventually, etc. But I am pretty certain of this: The sting, and I mean STING of loneliness will NEVER be worth the BS that goes on in the relationships or drama that I hear about daily. I mean, this guy (if he exists) will have to be pretty freakin' phenomenal for me to see past the world's relationships that are taking place right now. There's a thought on that... if 'he' does exist, I am pretty sure I don't exist in his world, so it doesn't apply.

I need some 'authentic' people to speak into my life for awhile...