There was a women's retreat at my church yesterday. The speaker was wonderful and brought up some really interesting points I never gave much thought to before. She spoke of forgiveness and there are a couple things that caught my attention.
First, how do we know if we really have forgiven someone? I used to think that once we told God and them we forgave them, it was done. But it's not always that way. I since have realized sometimes I need to forgive over and over and over. Then I thought for sure it would be taken care of. But yesterday I found out that may not be true either. She said that you know that true forgiveness has taken place in your heart when you can hear that person's name or see them and NOT feel a 'sting'. Wow. So it's more than the words, it's what takes place in your heart. This means I still have a lot of work to do. It could be the very reason there is so much hate and struggle in my heart. Just as I need to be memorizing Romans 6 right now to deal with my rage issues, so do I need to keep forgiving every single day. Bring these people to light, to God, and beg for help. Then maybe I can experience true freedom and really be able to bask in His grace.
Well, wait a minute. Second, there is the is task of forgiving YOURSELF when you sin against God. I always thought if I feel guilty and convicted, well great! I know I love Jesus and hate to hurt Him! Wrong. Our speaker Stacey said that if we come to God for forgiveness, it's gone in His sight. But if we continue to keep it in our log book, beat ourselves up over and over for days, months or years, we are not only holding on, but holding ourselves back from moving forward and continuing to grow in our relationship with Jesus! What a revelation!
I am all about forgiving myself. Question is, HOW do I? How do I get past the guilt, shame, disappointment, filthiness I currently feel for my actions? No amount of baths or showers are going to take this disgusting feeling away from a sin which I thought I had all but conquered, only to have it come back at my most vulnerable moment and slap me in the face again.
I had a great talk with Pastor Jeff recently about sins that God deals with in us. Some, he said, are dealt with right away, never to be an issue again. Others, take longer, and possibly something we continue to fight our whole lives. That is both encouraging and discouraging to me. Encouraging in the way that when we first start dealing with this sin, and go one hour longer or 3 weeks longer that we did the last time we had this sin, that is great progress. Discouraging in the way that some days you feel great strides and go for months or years, but all the sudden fall to it again. Then it kind of feels like the '2 steps forward, 3 steps back' syndrome.
However, when it's all said and done, this I know to be true; God is faithful. He loves me and has a plan for me.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future....Jeremiah 29:11
It's His plan for me to have HOPE and a FUTURE...a future free from sin, which is eternal life. That is the promise I am holding on to....
