God woke me up at 4 am the other night, interrupting an amazing dream with a non-mentioned dollface in it, only to tell me that I am not in any way ready for a relationship. What a huge letdown that was...not only to be awaken at 4 am, but then to be told such devastating news! I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years and to some that may seem like a long time, and to others it may be way too soon to start dating. But when you are sitting in the seat of the divorced one...it seems long, especially if you love to be touched and loved and cared for. Yeah, sure God is there, but that is one of the hardest things about having a heavenly father, the lack of touch and lack of straight one-on-one conversation and instruction from Him.
To hear this, I wasn't suprised. I have harbored an immense amount of bitterness, hatred and anger in my soul for a long time, I mean a loooooong time. I couldn't even tell you when it started, but if I had to guess, it would be somewhere around the time my dad died. And let's just say it kind of spiraled from there. I got involved in one unhealthy relationship after another and never fixed my original issues. I never reached to God for help and comfort, I reached for other men, or alcohol, or anti-depressants. Anything basically that was just a temporary fix, even though I hoped I would obtain permanent results.
God made it clear, I have put the healing on hold for far too long. Now, I have more things to deal with than I did 13 years ago, but nevertheless, they MUST be dealt with now...ALL of them. This is why I am feeling a long, painful pruning season before me. No more escapes, just me and God and big time healing. I have so much to be thankful for, and most times I don't realize it, because I am way too busy being mad and hurt and playing victim.
So...from this point forward, I am forcing myself to look forward to this time of growth and building back up the person I used to be and not focusing on past mistakes and losses. I know THIS IS NOT IT....God has sooo much more for me...but I will need my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to help me, because I am so weak, especially sitting at square one....
Please pray for my healing, patience, and heart and mind to be open to what God has in store for me these next few months.....
