What a ride 2012 has been so far! I am one confused and lost girl these days. I am pretty confident that Nationwide had to go. I was so incredibly miserable and just turned into a sour person being there day after day. I am a much happier person now, but I never would have taken that plunge without something to take its place.
Enter school: teacher education program. I thought, this is it! God is going to provide amazing opportunities and yes, he did! I knew I would have to modify my spending and change my lifestyle in more ways than one. But eventually, it would be worth it right? This is God's calling!
And it's February 21. I don't know if this is 'His' calling. I don't know if He wanted me to go back to school. I don't like my classes, well not well enough to keep going down this path. My undergraduate funding is done after this semester. I cannot and will not take master's classes AND cert. classes. I would die. I am about at that point now....
It turns out, I don't like to read as much as I thought. I don't like to sit in class as much as I thought. I don't like doing virtually nothing, but continue to spend money. I work part time and would like to be somewhere full time, with NO school. What am I to do? Pray. I know. I have been, over and over and over. I have heard nothing. Probably because my anxiety and worry are screaming at me so loud, I can't hear God's wisdom.
Now, my new thoughts are that I should wait awhile to do anymore schooling, which would most likely be my Master's since I know teaching is probably not going to work for me. But I don't want to start that until later, like when the girls are older and leave me to hang out with friends and have after school activities that don't require my presence. I want to spend time with them now as much as possible and long as they think I am cool and are willing to hug me in public.
I also struggle with relocation. Do I move to Nevada, or no? Do I stay in Ballard, but just relocate to somewhere a little more 'homey' to us? I know beyond a doubt I need to get out of apartment living. For those that know my previous moving patterns, I've now been in the same spot for 3 years, that is a record! But it is time to move on, to better options. I love Ballard school system. I don't want to leave that. But it's soooo expensive. I want the girls to go to a district start to finish if at all possible. And who's to say I wont' end up commuting to Des Moines again in the future?
It's all so unclear right now. I know what I would like in a perfect world. But this world is not perfect. So, what do I need to adapt, to do what God wants? I don't know what He wants, I can't hear Him.
God, PLEASE scream at me what you want me to do. Open my ears, close my stirring thoughts long enough to hear what you want...what is best for the girls and I. HELP ME JESUS!!!
