I followed a dump truck into work today. It was for quite a few miles and there was no way to get around it in rush hour traffic. I hate being behind trucks period because I can't see a thing. Well it wasn't til about five minutes into it I had this moment of realization. I treat my stomach like the back of that truck! Throwing all kinds of crap in there that doesn't need to be! I have been in pure torment the last month or so dealing with my eating patterns and lack of energy, resulting in little or no exercise. My realization: eating healthy all the time and maintaining weight is hard! I want to know why there are people out there that can look the same for years and not seem to gain or lose any weight whatsoever. They appear to eat whatever they want and do as little physical activity as possible. How is that fair to those who have to work out 5 days a week just to stay the same? The more I thought about this the more upset I got....at everyone else of course, not myself. How could it be MY fault I have gained almost 20lbs back from earlier this year? I am certain it had nothing to do with me indulging in food days at work, grazing with the rest of the cattle that shift in and out of the room filled with homeade dishes that would probably make me sick if I witnessed them making it...sticking their fingers in to taste, getting all the dog hair wiped off the counter before they started rolling the dough, etc. YUCK! It also probably has nothing to do with my lack of energy or desire to workout hard at the gym, just ride the bike for 15 minutes and eliptical for 15 minutes, that is a workout of champions right there...I don't even want to start in on the laziness at home. Seems that I am wiped out nearly every day the past few months and order out more than I cook. And if I do cook, you can bet it's something processed with little to no nutrional value. It's amazing the way the couch lures me in almost immediately from stepping inside the door. So...I pose this question: How do I get motivated to live my life to the fullest, and most active? How do I start to care about my body more, what food and why I put it into my stomach. Am I making it a temple as God says it is? "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Corinthians 6:19. Or am I making it this....
If I can just get to the point where I can accept and understand fully that food is just for survival purposes only...and not recreation, I need that instilled in my brain, maybe by CD as I sleep, or maybe someone can install a chip in my brain. It's tough in our culture though where everything seems to revolve around food. I also need to figure out a way to accept and be ok with the fact that my body is not someone else's. I can't eat whatever I want and not gain weight. I cannot quit working out and expect my body to stay toned. I still don't think it's fair, but it's most definitely reality.My vow: Change my mindset, permanently. FIND energy, because it's not finding me. Get into a program that will push me past my limits and open my eyes and body to a new world of fitness and rewards from hard work. Those are my goals...and I'm starting before New Year's. I need to start now.
I really am bad at consistently blogging or journaling, and even when awesome things happen, I neglect to recognize them in a timely manner on paper, or in this case word document. So much has happened since I've been here last. I am going thru the first year of losing my mom this past January. I am making it, but it wasn't until Thanksgiving hit that I really, really felt what will be the beginning of many more Thanksgivings and Christmases without her. This year, I hosted a very modest version of Thanksgiving at my very modest apartment. My brother was there, along with my niece and nephew later on. So, we are talking a total of 6 people. For 6 people, it was a lot of work...one of which didn't even eat because they just ate before hand, and bless my niece, she stuffed herself twice. I don't know how my mom did it for so many years. Not saying she was always happy and stress-free about it, but at least she had to do it and not me! This whole, orphan thing is not fun at all! Now I am the one that has to do all the holidays, the cookies, the clean up, the stressing out, the buying of ingredients...and I'm sorry, but for being a single mom already....I DON'T WANT THIS STRESS! But...here's my truth. God won't let me go thru or deal with more than I can handle. 2011 has definitely tested that theory. I cannot even begin to express how happy I will be once this hellacious year is done. It seems like one big nightmare to be honest. I have been to six funerals this year, six. THAT is depressing. My mom started it. And I hope my friend's mom has ended it, because I really don't want to go to another one this year, or ever preferably.As Christmas season embarks, I am still thankful. I am thankful I get to learn how to do the cookies, fudge and other favorites my mom made every year for the past 50 years. I'm not thrilled that she won't be there to teach me. It's the first year, I get no Christmas presents...petty I know, but reality nonetheless.So, this is it? This is how it's going to be for the rest of my Christmases? The girls and I...an occasional family member here and there, just presents for the girls from me, their dads, and those who are engulfed by their adorable faces. Me, making cookies and treats, and a huge meal I don't need, and will regret later. But it has to be done for the girls and the family that pops in, to my little apartment whose neighbors give off that real 'friendly, leave me alone' vibe. I'm getting more and more depressed thinking about it. It's really a good thing, and a huge blessing on God's part, that the girls that at time,s seem like hinderances, are here as my rock. God works in ways I will NEVER understand, but that isn't what is necessary. I don't have to figure out why He does what He does. I just have to trust that it's the right thing.
