I really am bad at consistently blogging or journaling, and even when awesome things happen, I neglect to recognize them in a timely manner on paper, or in this case word document. So much has happened since I've been here last. I am going thru the first year of losing my mom this past January. I am making it, but it wasn't until Thanksgiving hit that I really, really felt what will be the beginning of many more Thanksgivings and Christmases without her.
This year, I hosted a very modest version of Thanksgiving at my very modest apartment. My brother was there, along with my niece and nephew later on. So, we are talking a total of 6 people. For 6 people, it was a lot of work...one of which didn't even eat because they just ate before hand, and bless my niece, she stuffed herself twice. I don't know how my mom did it for so many years. Not saying she was always happy and stress-free about it, but at least she had to do it and not me! This whole, orphan thing is not fun at all! Now I am the one that has to do all the holidays, the cookies, the clean up, the stressing out, the buying of ingredients...and I'm sorry, but for being a single mom already....I DON'T WANT THIS STRESS!
But...here's my truth. God won't let me go thru or deal with more than I can handle. 2011 has definitely tested that theory. I cannot even begin to express how happy I will be once this hellacious year is done. It seems like one big nightmare to be honest. I have been to six funerals this year, six. THAT is depressing. My mom started it. And I hope my friend's mom has ended it, because I really don't want to go to another one this year, or ever preferably.
As Christmas season embarks, I am still thankful. I am thankful I get to learn how to do the cookies, fudge and other favorites my mom made every year for the past 50 years. I'm not thrilled that she won't be there to teach me. It's the first year, I get no Christmas presents...petty I know, but reality nonetheless.
So, this is it? This is how it's going to be for the rest of my Christmases? The girls and I...an occasional family member here and there, just presents for the girls from me, their dads, and those who are engulfed by their adorable faces. Me, making cookies and treats, and a huge meal I don't need, and will regret later. But it has to be done for the girls and the family that pops in, to my little apartment whose neighbors give off that real 'friendly, leave me alone' vibe. I'm getting more and more depressed thinking about it.
It's really a good thing, and a huge blessing on God's part, that the girls that at time,s seem like hinderances, are here as my rock. God works in ways I will NEVER understand, but that isn't what is necessary. I don't have to figure out why He does what He does. I just have to trust that it's the right thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment