Perspective

After some great feedback from my previous post, I feel better. And I'm glad scripture was envoked, because honestly, when I am at that point of anger, the bible is the last thing I grab.

It was also brought to my attention that none of these things that get under my skin, heating up my whole body, don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. None of them are 'life or death'. Is there someway I can get some verse and quotes tattooed on my arm to remember that? There has to be a way that isn't so permanent to help me remember. But then again, that's what I want isn't it? For it to stick with me permanently? Maybe just not on my body, but in my heart and mind instead.

Pruning is a process that I rather not endure. I realize it's necessary and that is for my benefit and those I love that I go through it. What I want to know is, where exactly did everything start going downhill? I can't pinpoint it exactly and can't tell where the anger actually comes from. I know I have that it comes from frustration, fear or hurt or all of the above. That is without a doubt true, but why? Why am I frustrated? What do I fear? How am I hurt? To my knowledge, I've talked to God about everything that could possibly be a hinderance and have no idea why these things would keep popping back into my life.

I was reading more about what pruning means in the plant world. Pruning needs to be done more than once. Actually it usually needs to be done multiple times. Undesirable parts of the plant grow back all the time and stubbornly refuse to just die, as does my sin and fleshly desires and behaviors, which include anger. Pruning NEVER ends as long as that plant is alive. And neither does ours. "Sorry Melisa, you failed test one. But don't worry there will be another one very soon!" says the teacher. Now at ISU I would be thrilled that another opportunity was given to pass a test. I would then study harder, longer and make sure nothing would cause me to fail this time. Well then why can't I view the tests God gives me in the same light?

I see the process like this: Study guide consists of the prayer conversation God and I have about what needs work. I cry out, he listens and is usually silent (I assume he's starting to draft the test). Then unlike normal study guides, I have no idea when the test will be. But it states in the bible over and over to BE READY!!! I'm usually not, and it usually happens in the morning when I'm in a 'mood' or after a long day and my nerves are shot. I'm not prepared, and haven't 'studied' as well as I should have. There is a ton of scripture to read and absorb for all of life's situations, but I usually put it on the back burner, much like most math tests in my life.

Rarely, in the middle of the test do I put my big girl pants on and gain perspective. It's almost always after I have handed in the test to the teacher with all of my answers being checked 'c' and seeing the look on the teacher's face as knows just as well as I do I failed, without even having to get the test key out.

This is my resolve and conclusion: God's tests aren't math tests! His are much more valuable and worthy of my precious time to study for.

God...let me see your tests as a way that you show love to me. You want me to be the best that you've created me for. Let me get rid of my childish mentality and 'woe is me' attitude everytime I get tested by you. Instead, let me be prepared and even excited to go through the refining process that I know will happen more and more as I go through this life. Let me embrace positive change that can only come through you. AMEN.