One thing that drives me absolutely crazy in regards to my computer and technology is when my screen freezes, the internet stops, or things click like crazy and flicker and I can do nothing put hold down the power button and force a shut down. In times like this there is no way I can have the patience to wait for the computer to chill out, shut down each program individually, ctrl/alt/del and THEN restart. It's not in my DNA. Maybe someday God will either create a super patience for technology or man will create technology for my lack of patience. I'll guess #1...great.
(For all the computer geeks out there, I know I am not supposed to shut down this way ever if at all possible, but that is not the issue I'm currently concerned with, so your lecture will have to wait....til I care.)
Lately, as in the past few days, weeks, ok fine, years...I've been dealing with feelings/emotions that tend to creep up out of nowhere. They happen to be my least favorite ones that circle around one theme: loneliness. Though I want nothing to do with it, it continues to show up at my doorstep uninvited...and I let it in.
**To all who are thinking it right now, YES I know I have 2 beautiful daughters that want nothing more than to shower me with love and affection....and YES I am thankful, very thankful. BUT I believe there is more than one type of loneliness. And when they scamper off to college, get married, or move across the globe, then I will feel that type of loneliness and sadness. That type I will call 'Type K' for kiddos.
The one I speak of that I loathe is 'Type P' for pitiful. I hate to get this visitor because that is what I feel like almost immediately, is pitiful, aka "full of pity". It's been 3 1/2 years since my divorce, but like 4 + years since I've had a feeling of a substantial relationship. I've had dates here and there and a couple month long things, but in the big scheme of life, that means virtually nothing. Nothing compared to those who are married for over 50 years and have a desire to be with them for 50 more. I want that. I long for hugs, affection, friendship that apparently is rare to find and hard to keep.
Problem is, I get into these funks where I start to feel all kinds of dumb things:
1. Hopeless- no one will want this scarred up girl with such bad past decisions. I always revert back to New Moon for some reason where Bella tells Jacob, "I'm not just some car you can fix up, I'll never run right." Exactly how I feel at times.
2. Desperate- I get lonely, I get desperate. I try too hard to get guys to notice me. I talk too much or feel as though I am constantly vying for attention. I hate that I do that and unfortunately don't notice until I feel like an idiot.
3. Anger- Well of course I feel anger! That is my default for when something isn't going as fast and smooth as I would like or I have to wait and trust God AGAIN for the feeling to pass or be fulfilled.
And that's just it, God really has fulfilled the sting of loneliness more often than not. But I guarantee that the handful of times He hasn't isn't because He wasn't trying, it's because I wouldn't let Him in. So my solution to this current uninvited visit from loneliness, is a forced shut down. Power button is being hit now, but in the future as I beg for more patience from God, I hope to do this the right way: control what visitors I let through my door; alternate my way of thinking, focus on God's love and comfort; and finally delete those 3 areas I let take over in these times, because this is just another tactic used by Satan to keep us defeated. The sooner this becomes 2nd nature, the better! And it starts now....signing off.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Detour, Roadblock....or a whole new highway?
What a ride 2012 has been so far! I am one confused and lost girl these days. I am pretty confident that Nationwide had to go. I was so incredibly miserable and just turned into a sour person being there day after day. I am a much happier person now, but I never would have taken that plunge without something to take its place.
Enter school: teacher education program. I thought, this is it! God is going to provide amazing opportunities and yes, he did! I knew I would have to modify my spending and change my lifestyle in more ways than one. But eventually, it would be worth it right? This is God's calling!
And it's February 21. I don't know if this is 'His' calling. I don't know if He wanted me to go back to school. I don't like my classes, well not well enough to keep going down this path. My undergraduate funding is done after this semester. I cannot and will not take master's classes AND cert. classes. I would die. I am about at that point now....
It turns out, I don't like to read as much as I thought. I don't like to sit in class as much as I thought. I don't like doing virtually nothing, but continue to spend money. I work part time and would like to be somewhere full time, with NO school. What am I to do? Pray. I know. I have been, over and over and over. I have heard nothing. Probably because my anxiety and worry are screaming at me so loud, I can't hear God's wisdom.
Now, my new thoughts are that I should wait awhile to do anymore schooling, which would most likely be my Master's since I know teaching is probably not going to work for me. But I don't want to start that until later, like when the girls are older and leave me to hang out with friends and have after school activities that don't require my presence. I want to spend time with them now as much as possible and long as they think I am cool and are willing to hug me in public.
I also struggle with relocation. Do I move to Nevada, or no? Do I stay in Ballard, but just relocate to somewhere a little more 'homey' to us? I know beyond a doubt I need to get out of apartment living. For those that know my previous moving patterns, I've now been in the same spot for 3 years, that is a record! But it is time to move on, to better options. I love Ballard school system. I don't want to leave that. But it's soooo expensive. I want the girls to go to a district start to finish if at all possible. And who's to say I wont' end up commuting to Des Moines again in the future?
It's all so unclear right now. I know what I would like in a perfect world. But this world is not perfect. So, what do I need to adapt, to do what God wants? I don't know what He wants, I can't hear Him.
God, PLEASE scream at me what you want me to do. Open my ears, close my stirring thoughts long enough to hear what you want...what is best for the girls and I. HELP ME JESUS!!!
Enter school: teacher education program. I thought, this is it! God is going to provide amazing opportunities and yes, he did! I knew I would have to modify my spending and change my lifestyle in more ways than one. But eventually, it would be worth it right? This is God's calling!
And it's February 21. I don't know if this is 'His' calling. I don't know if He wanted me to go back to school. I don't like my classes, well not well enough to keep going down this path. My undergraduate funding is done after this semester. I cannot and will not take master's classes AND cert. classes. I would die. I am about at that point now....
It turns out, I don't like to read as much as I thought. I don't like to sit in class as much as I thought. I don't like doing virtually nothing, but continue to spend money. I work part time and would like to be somewhere full time, with NO school. What am I to do? Pray. I know. I have been, over and over and over. I have heard nothing. Probably because my anxiety and worry are screaming at me so loud, I can't hear God's wisdom.
Now, my new thoughts are that I should wait awhile to do anymore schooling, which would most likely be my Master's since I know teaching is probably not going to work for me. But I don't want to start that until later, like when the girls are older and leave me to hang out with friends and have after school activities that don't require my presence. I want to spend time with them now as much as possible and long as they think I am cool and are willing to hug me in public.
I also struggle with relocation. Do I move to Nevada, or no? Do I stay in Ballard, but just relocate to somewhere a little more 'homey' to us? I know beyond a doubt I need to get out of apartment living. For those that know my previous moving patterns, I've now been in the same spot for 3 years, that is a record! But it is time to move on, to better options. I love Ballard school system. I don't want to leave that. But it's soooo expensive. I want the girls to go to a district start to finish if at all possible. And who's to say I wont' end up commuting to Des Moines again in the future?
It's all so unclear right now. I know what I would like in a perfect world. But this world is not perfect. So, what do I need to adapt, to do what God wants? I don't know what He wants, I can't hear Him.
God, PLEASE scream at me what you want me to do. Open my ears, close my stirring thoughts long enough to hear what you want...what is best for the girls and I. HELP ME JESUS!!!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Authentic
Precursor: I may regret writing this later.
au·then·tic /ɔˈθɛntɪk/ Show Spelled[aw-then-tik] Show IPA
adjective
1.
not false or copied; genuine; real
I'm in a place tonight where everything seems hopeless, in the relationship world anyway. I just had a conversation with someone I once cared a lot about and could see myself with for...well who knows. Thing is, as we were talking, reality was saying to me "there is no one out there for you, not for the standards you have". I really believe that is true. If I were to ever marry again (which is HIGHLY unlikely by itself) it would have to be with someone where I am their ONE. The person in which when they think of love, other that first and foremost to Jesus Christ, I should be their thought. I would be the one they think of ONLY when they think of the one they want to spend their life with. That has never happened to me. Of all my previous relationships, I have always been replaceable.
I know God gives me an authentic love. I know this. But is it even possible to get that from a human? Especially those who have been through some difficult life situations like myself? And at my age? I mean, once you give your heart to someone that you pledge to be with for life, only to have that pledge broken for one reason or another, is it possible to have that authentic love with someone else once your heart and trust have been so badly dishonored?
I would love for the answer to be 'absolutely'. But unfortunately, in my case, I highly doubt it happens. I do have many expections, things that I just can't have in a relationship because I know it would irritate me eventually, etc. But I am pretty certain of this: The sting, and I mean STING of loneliness will NEVER be worth the BS that goes on in the relationships or drama that I hear about daily. I mean, this guy (if he exists) will have to be pretty freakin' phenomenal for me to see past the world's relationships that are taking place right now. There's a thought on that... if 'he' does exist, I am pretty sure I don't exist in his world, so it doesn't apply.
I need some 'authentic' people to speak into my life for awhile...
au·then·tic /ɔˈθɛntɪk/ Show Spelled[aw-then-tik] Show IPA
adjective
1.
not false or copied; genuine; real
I'm in a place tonight where everything seems hopeless, in the relationship world anyway. I just had a conversation with someone I once cared a lot about and could see myself with for...well who knows. Thing is, as we were talking, reality was saying to me "there is no one out there for you, not for the standards you have". I really believe that is true. If I were to ever marry again (which is HIGHLY unlikely by itself) it would have to be with someone where I am their ONE. The person in which when they think of love, other that first and foremost to Jesus Christ, I should be their thought. I would be the one they think of ONLY when they think of the one they want to spend their life with. That has never happened to me. Of all my previous relationships, I have always been replaceable.
I know God gives me an authentic love. I know this. But is it even possible to get that from a human? Especially those who have been through some difficult life situations like myself? And at my age? I mean, once you give your heart to someone that you pledge to be with for life, only to have that pledge broken for one reason or another, is it possible to have that authentic love with someone else once your heart and trust have been so badly dishonored?
I would love for the answer to be 'absolutely'. But unfortunately, in my case, I highly doubt it happens. I do have many expections, things that I just can't have in a relationship because I know it would irritate me eventually, etc. But I am pretty certain of this: The sting, and I mean STING of loneliness will NEVER be worth the BS that goes on in the relationships or drama that I hear about daily. I mean, this guy (if he exists) will have to be pretty freakin' phenomenal for me to see past the world's relationships that are taking place right now. There's a thought on that... if 'he' does exist, I am pretty sure I don't exist in his world, so it doesn't apply.
I need some 'authentic' people to speak into my life for awhile...
Monday, January 23, 2012
Perspective
After some great feedback from my previous post, I feel better. And I'm glad scripture was envoked, because honestly, when I am at that point of anger, the bible is the last thing I grab.
It was also brought to my attention that none of these things that get under my skin, heating up my whole body, don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. None of them are 'life or death'. Is there someway I can get some verse and quotes tattooed on my arm to remember that? There has to be a way that isn't so permanent to help me remember. But then again, that's what I want isn't it? For it to stick with me permanently? Maybe just not on my body, but in my heart and mind instead.
Pruning is a process that I rather not endure. I realize it's necessary and that is for my benefit and those I love that I go through it. What I want to know is, where exactly did everything start going downhill? I can't pinpoint it exactly and can't tell where the anger actually comes from. I know I have that it comes from frustration, fear or hurt or all of the above. That is without a doubt true, but why? Why am I frustrated? What do I fear? How am I hurt? To my knowledge, I've talked to God about everything that could possibly be a hinderance and have no idea why these things would keep popping back into my life.
I was reading more about what pruning means in the plant world. Pruning needs to be done more than once. Actually it usually needs to be done multiple times. Undesirable parts of the plant grow back all the time and stubbornly refuse to just die, as does my sin and fleshly desires and behaviors, which include anger. Pruning NEVER ends as long as that plant is alive. And neither does ours. "Sorry Melisa, you failed test one. But don't worry there will be another one very soon!" says the teacher. Now at ISU I would be thrilled that another opportunity was given to pass a test. I would then study harder, longer and make sure nothing would cause me to fail this time. Well then why can't I view the tests God gives me in the same light?
I see the process like this: Study guide consists of the prayer conversation God and I have about what needs work. I cry out, he listens and is usually silent (I assume he's starting to draft the test). Then unlike normal study guides, I have no idea when the test will be. But it states in the bible over and over to BE READY!!! I'm usually not, and it usually happens in the morning when I'm in a 'mood' or after a long day and my nerves are shot. I'm not prepared, and haven't 'studied' as well as I should have. There is a ton of scripture to read and absorb for all of life's situations, but I usually put it on the back burner, much like most math tests in my life.
Rarely, in the middle of the test do I put my big girl pants on and gain perspective. It's almost always after I have handed in the test to the teacher with all of my answers being checked 'c' and seeing the look on the teacher's face as knows just as well as I do I failed, without even having to get the test key out.
This is my resolve and conclusion: God's tests aren't math tests! His are much more valuable and worthy of my precious time to study for.
God...let me see your tests as a way that you show love to me. You want me to be the best that you've created me for. Let me get rid of my childish mentality and 'woe is me' attitude everytime I get tested by you. Instead, let me be prepared and even excited to go through the refining process that I know will happen more and more as I go through this life. Let me embrace positive change that can only come through you. AMEN.
It was also brought to my attention that none of these things that get under my skin, heating up my whole body, don't really matter in the grand scheme of things. None of them are 'life or death'. Is there someway I can get some verse and quotes tattooed on my arm to remember that? There has to be a way that isn't so permanent to help me remember. But then again, that's what I want isn't it? For it to stick with me permanently? Maybe just not on my body, but in my heart and mind instead.
Pruning is a process that I rather not endure. I realize it's necessary and that is for my benefit and those I love that I go through it. What I want to know is, where exactly did everything start going downhill? I can't pinpoint it exactly and can't tell where the anger actually comes from. I know I have that it comes from frustration, fear or hurt or all of the above. That is without a doubt true, but why? Why am I frustrated? What do I fear? How am I hurt? To my knowledge, I've talked to God about everything that could possibly be a hinderance and have no idea why these things would keep popping back into my life.
I was reading more about what pruning means in the plant world. Pruning needs to be done more than once. Actually it usually needs to be done multiple times. Undesirable parts of the plant grow back all the time and stubbornly refuse to just die, as does my sin and fleshly desires and behaviors, which include anger. Pruning NEVER ends as long as that plant is alive. And neither does ours. "Sorry Melisa, you failed test one. But don't worry there will be another one very soon!" says the teacher. Now at ISU I would be thrilled that another opportunity was given to pass a test. I would then study harder, longer and make sure nothing would cause me to fail this time. Well then why can't I view the tests God gives me in the same light?
I see the process like this: Study guide consists of the prayer conversation God and I have about what needs work. I cry out, he listens and is usually silent (I assume he's starting to draft the test). Then unlike normal study guides, I have no idea when the test will be. But it states in the bible over and over to BE READY!!! I'm usually not, and it usually happens in the morning when I'm in a 'mood' or after a long day and my nerves are shot. I'm not prepared, and haven't 'studied' as well as I should have. There is a ton of scripture to read and absorb for all of life's situations, but I usually put it on the back burner, much like most math tests in my life.
Rarely, in the middle of the test do I put my big girl pants on and gain perspective. It's almost always after I have handed in the test to the teacher with all of my answers being checked 'c' and seeing the look on the teacher's face as knows just as well as I do I failed, without even having to get the test key out.
This is my resolve and conclusion: God's tests aren't math tests! His are much more valuable and worthy of my precious time to study for.
God...let me see your tests as a way that you show love to me. You want me to be the best that you've created me for. Let me get rid of my childish mentality and 'woe is me' attitude everytime I get tested by you. Instead, let me be prepared and even excited to go through the refining process that I know will happen more and more as I go through this life. Let me embrace positive change that can only come through you. AMEN.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Other Side of Love
I have that book, but needless to say I haven't read it all the way through. For any of those who know me well....I mean WELL, as in since elementary school, know that I have a herendous temper. I admit to throwing extremely childish fits behind closed doors and acting worse than a toddler when things don't go my way. B ut lately, as the past few days I think God is testing me. At first I thought it was Satan. But now that I think about what I have been praying for, I have asked God to HELP ME with these girls, when I am angry, or impatient with them. It's much easier or 'ok' in my mind to freak out in the privacy of my own home. But this is not the example I want to teach them. I want them to be gentle, laid back people who rely on God to take care of everything. I am not that example right now.
So, after all this crying out to God...MAKE ME A BETTER MOM....He is definitely trying. And I am failing. I am a head coach of a Kindergarten basketball team this year. Once again, those of you who know me can see the comedy. So if you are ever in need of a good laugh, come to Cornerstone every Saturday AM at 9:30 and prepare to split your side. Let me explain Kindergarten basketball...it's CHAOS. That is really all it is. No need to bother teaching fundamentals or drills or learning that whole dribbling, passing thing...because it's non-existent. And as a girl who likes structure and rules in her sports, this is killing me. Test #1= fail.
I also like to be on time or early FOR EVERYTHING. And when we have pictures at a certain time and I am totally sleep deprived...and not all of us are there, Melisa starts to freak out. I hate making people wait, I hate waiting. Test #2= fail.
All I wanted this morning was to get up go to church, get some focus on God. I try to check Eden in and of course the one computer I go to, out of paper. Next one, won't print. After nearly putting our coats back on and going back home and to bed for the day...we finally had someone get it. But it was too late. My blood was almost at boil level. Test #3= fail.
After getting Eden to her class, I thought a coffee is what I need to calm down...no a coffee AND a chocolate donut. Sesley and I are heading to the auditorium, coffee and donuts in tow. I take a sip, it's too hot. By the end of worship is when it is usually perfect temperature. I decide to put it where I can reach it, right to the left of my seat, just tucked under my seat. Well Mr. Bigfoot behind me decides his size 13's didn't have enough room so they proceed to knock my coffee over during our lovely 'meet and greet' time, which I could do without most days. Of course I didn't notice until that 2 minutes was up and by then it had spread to my purse a seat away......STEAM SIRENS!!!!! I lost it. Thank God for Sesley. She is such a trooper to my anger. She rushed out twice to get paper towels, but then was told she needed to take this massive red bucket in with cleaning supplies in it. Now, I am embarrassed and pissed. Even worse combination. Not to mention coffee splattered on my white hoodie, awesome. And my hand smelled like coffee for hours. I did not enjoy a bit of the service from that point on. Test #4= fail.
What does God want from me? Is this really the way He has to go about it? I'm at the point I don't want to enter the church if this is what is going to happen or how I will act. Yes, it's causing me to act more appropriately, but my flesh doesn't want to. It wants to continue breaking things, bruising my knuckles from punching a door or wall. I HATE that I have a temper. I could try and blame it on heredity and the whole Norweigan thing, but come on. I know better. That's just another excuse.
GOD....MOLD ME, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL, BUT MAKE ME WANT TO, MAKE ME DESIRE TO BE BETTER.....CALMER....MORE PEACEFUL. TAKE ALL MY ANGER GOD, DESTROY IT, REPLACE IT WITH YOUR PEACE. AMEN.
So, after all this crying out to God...MAKE ME A BETTER MOM....He is definitely trying. And I am failing. I am a head coach of a Kindergarten basketball team this year. Once again, those of you who know me can see the comedy. So if you are ever in need of a good laugh, come to Cornerstone every Saturday AM at 9:30 and prepare to split your side. Let me explain Kindergarten basketball...it's CHAOS. That is really all it is. No need to bother teaching fundamentals or drills or learning that whole dribbling, passing thing...because it's non-existent. And as a girl who likes structure and rules in her sports, this is killing me. Test #1= fail.
I also like to be on time or early FOR EVERYTHING. And when we have pictures at a certain time and I am totally sleep deprived...and not all of us are there, Melisa starts to freak out. I hate making people wait, I hate waiting. Test #2= fail.
All I wanted this morning was to get up go to church, get some focus on God. I try to check Eden in and of course the one computer I go to, out of paper. Next one, won't print. After nearly putting our coats back on and going back home and to bed for the day...we finally had someone get it. But it was too late. My blood was almost at boil level. Test #3= fail.
After getting Eden to her class, I thought a coffee is what I need to calm down...no a coffee AND a chocolate donut. Sesley and I are heading to the auditorium, coffee and donuts in tow. I take a sip, it's too hot. By the end of worship is when it is usually perfect temperature. I decide to put it where I can reach it, right to the left of my seat, just tucked under my seat. Well Mr. Bigfoot behind me decides his size 13's didn't have enough room so they proceed to knock my coffee over during our lovely 'meet and greet' time, which I could do without most days. Of course I didn't notice until that 2 minutes was up and by then it had spread to my purse a seat away......STEAM SIRENS!!!!! I lost it. Thank God for Sesley. She is such a trooper to my anger. She rushed out twice to get paper towels, but then was told she needed to take this massive red bucket in with cleaning supplies in it. Now, I am embarrassed and pissed. Even worse combination. Not to mention coffee splattered on my white hoodie, awesome. And my hand smelled like coffee for hours. I did not enjoy a bit of the service from that point on. Test #4= fail.
What does God want from me? Is this really the way He has to go about it? I'm at the point I don't want to enter the church if this is what is going to happen or how I will act. Yes, it's causing me to act more appropriately, but my flesh doesn't want to. It wants to continue breaking things, bruising my knuckles from punching a door or wall. I HATE that I have a temper. I could try and blame it on heredity and the whole Norweigan thing, but come on. I know better. That's just another excuse.
GOD....MOLD ME, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL, BUT MAKE ME WANT TO, MAKE ME DESIRE TO BE BETTER.....CALMER....MORE PEACEFUL. TAKE ALL MY ANGER GOD, DESTROY IT, REPLACE IT WITH YOUR PEACE. AMEN.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
NEW YEAR....new goals and expectations
It is just 3 days away from the end of the worst year of my life. "Oh Happy Day" may be playing at midnight instead of the classic "Auld Lang Syne". This is one I would be ok with losing memory of...and because of events that have happened this year, it's provoked me to write resolutions early, and clearly.
Resolutions not just for 2012, but for the duration of my life..preferably.
1. I have many family members and friends that don't know Jesus, and in turn mock me for lifestyle. As they should. I have been way to 'up and down', 'back and forth'...especially this past year. So this is my public profession, YES I love Jesus and YES I am going to act like it...more than just on Sundays, or when I am really absorbed in the word, but as if a parrot is sitting on my shoulder constantly recording my words and actions and telling the world. I don't know if I was trying to be 'cool' to some of them or just let things they do and say slide because I don't want to confront them on it. Well....this is your warning now, you may unfriend me or unfamily me by the end of 2012 because if you are not a believer/follower in Jesus Christ, I'm going to make you my mission! And if I lose facebook friends because of it, I'm perfectly fine with that.
2. I am going back to school for what I believe is God's calling. I am so excited and focused on this new adventure that I have made a deal with my oldest daughter, Sesley. If she is in ELP in the spring, I will make the Dean's List. I've done it before and have no doubt I can do it again :)
3. Weight has always being my enemy. Im in a constant yo-yo mode with it and it's so frustrating. I'm resolving in this year of greatness to step out of that mindset. Get exercise and eating better to be my default. I want to hunger for it, long for it after a hard day of studying or work. Of course, with that will hopefully come some substantial weight loss as I am not currently in a healthy range. I'm not getting any younger and have to get healthier if I'm going to preach to the Nations about my amazing Savior!
4. I vow to make smarter choices in the relationship realm. I have made some poor choices this year, and previous years. Loneliness is usually where it stems from, that and one of my top love languages, Words of Affirmation. I love to hear how pretty I am....while being held tightly. I usually get in situations that God does not want me even near. So, with God's help I pray I ignore the loneliness and put myself in the arms of my Father, and let Him act as the husband I need in this season. I also am trying to come to grips that I may possibly never have a physical husband again. Therefore, I need to learn how to be content with this life I have now.
5. I think I pretty much suck as a friend somedays. I need to PUT OTHER'S NEEDS BEFORE MINE! This is going to be the toughtest one I think. There are so many people out there I just need to focus on more than I do that really need Jesus and need someone to show them that God does love them. If I would just lose that hour of sleep one night to comfort a friend who is sad or go see that person that is in the middle of a horrible depression....God only knows what could change!
So...that is the list. That is plenty for now, I may add as I perfect these :) Lord, take these requests, show me how to grow into the daughter you want me to be. I wish to make you proud and desire to do your will... I love you Jesus and am excited for this journey with you in 2012!
Resolutions not just for 2012, but for the duration of my life..preferably.
1. I have many family members and friends that don't know Jesus, and in turn mock me for lifestyle. As they should. I have been way to 'up and down', 'back and forth'...especially this past year. So this is my public profession, YES I love Jesus and YES I am going to act like it...more than just on Sundays, or when I am really absorbed in the word, but as if a parrot is sitting on my shoulder constantly recording my words and actions and telling the world. I don't know if I was trying to be 'cool' to some of them or just let things they do and say slide because I don't want to confront them on it. Well....this is your warning now, you may unfriend me or unfamily me by the end of 2012 because if you are not a believer/follower in Jesus Christ, I'm going to make you my mission! And if I lose facebook friends because of it, I'm perfectly fine with that.
2. I am going back to school for what I believe is God's calling. I am so excited and focused on this new adventure that I have made a deal with my oldest daughter, Sesley. If she is in ELP in the spring, I will make the Dean's List. I've done it before and have no doubt I can do it again :)
3. Weight has always being my enemy. Im in a constant yo-yo mode with it and it's so frustrating. I'm resolving in this year of greatness to step out of that mindset. Get exercise and eating better to be my default. I want to hunger for it, long for it after a hard day of studying or work. Of course, with that will hopefully come some substantial weight loss as I am not currently in a healthy range. I'm not getting any younger and have to get healthier if I'm going to preach to the Nations about my amazing Savior!
4. I vow to make smarter choices in the relationship realm. I have made some poor choices this year, and previous years. Loneliness is usually where it stems from, that and one of my top love languages, Words of Affirmation. I love to hear how pretty I am....while being held tightly. I usually get in situations that God does not want me even near. So, with God's help I pray I ignore the loneliness and put myself in the arms of my Father, and let Him act as the husband I need in this season. I also am trying to come to grips that I may possibly never have a physical husband again. Therefore, I need to learn how to be content with this life I have now.
5. I think I pretty much suck as a friend somedays. I need to PUT OTHER'S NEEDS BEFORE MINE! This is going to be the toughtest one I think. There are so many people out there I just need to focus on more than I do that really need Jesus and need someone to show them that God does love them. If I would just lose that hour of sleep one night to comfort a friend who is sad or go see that person that is in the middle of a horrible depression....God only knows what could change!
So...that is the list. That is plenty for now, I may add as I perfect these :) Lord, take these requests, show me how to grow into the daughter you want me to be. I wish to make you proud and desire to do your will... I love you Jesus and am excited for this journey with you in 2012!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Positive Polly I promise!
As I was looking through my previous posts, I seem incredibly negative and depressed. I want you to know that isn't the case...it's just unfortunately, reality is that depressing and sometimes negative!
I am incredibly excited to be embarking on a new chapter in my life. Education screams Melisa and I cannot wait to be in the lives of jr. highers who need that person in their life to care and make a difference. I am more than ready for that challenge...I invite it whole-heartedly. I also am so far past elated of the schedule I will be on and able to be with my girls more.
Currently, I am so exhausted, moody and just plain drained, that I have no desire to do a thing once I get home. I don't want to work out, eat right, or do any housework because I just am that low. Even though I have officially put in my notice, I still feel the lull of the place since I am still there day to day...for now.
I am also doing much better at not freaking out about the future, because it really IS God in control, me having control or any type of security (financial or otherwise) is a complete illusion. God has this all in His hands. ALL of it. He was there when I made the decision to move back to Iowa in 2007 to finish my degree the first time around. He's been there through my divorce, lack of support from dads...both financial and physical. He has NEVER left us alone....so why in the world would he now, when I am out to better myself both as a mother and a person in our society? Makes no sense and it's not something I can find in the bible, therefore, trusting Him is my only option.
There are a couple more things on my mind. First, in regards to me leaving a full time salary of $37k a year may seem incredibly stupid to most, most that don't have Jesus or desire to be obedient to him especially; but also to some 'Christians'....and I quote for a reason. There is a big 'F' word I want to throw out to those people....wait for it.....FAITH! My word people, if I have the faith of a mustard seed, I will be blessed. Well, from what I see from some 'Christians' I have spoke to, they are like talking to those at work that don't understand. SO TO CLEAR IT ALL UP: Whether you believe in Jesus or not, whether you really follow Him or not...I've been led to this. I have NO doubt in my mind, Jesus has this in store for me. Many wonder how I will be able to do this....well answer is...I won't. Not without Jesus. I need Him, and I know that. I know that He has got me here to this point, and I KNOW that he won't leave me here. So...if that is not enough of an explanation, I'm sorry but that is the only one I have.
Lastly....as many of you know, I lost my mom almost 11 months ago and it has been a year from hell. It's been real 'cute' that people try to reach out and help....but honestly, if you don't mean it, if you don't really want an 'adopted daughter and granddaughters'....don't bother. I won't be offended. I would much rather you be real and upfront and state that your intentions will probably fall short. Because honestly, there is not one person out there that I will EVER be able to call and say "Hey, can you pick up the girls from school so I can go have dinner with some co-workers?" or "Hey, I need you to come help me get this place organized, it's a pit!" or "Can you just make me dinner to go, I can't stay, got studying to do." There is NO ONE on this earth I can talk to that freely with.....but my mom. So, don't feel sorry for me, I've been at this single mom gig for awhile now, and I know how it works. I have no parents alive, but no one can replace them. And most who try, fall short 99.9% of the time...at this point in the game....I have pretty much no faith in people....just God.
I am incredibly excited to be embarking on a new chapter in my life. Education screams Melisa and I cannot wait to be in the lives of jr. highers who need that person in their life to care and make a difference. I am more than ready for that challenge...I invite it whole-heartedly. I also am so far past elated of the schedule I will be on and able to be with my girls more.
Currently, I am so exhausted, moody and just plain drained, that I have no desire to do a thing once I get home. I don't want to work out, eat right, or do any housework because I just am that low. Even though I have officially put in my notice, I still feel the lull of the place since I am still there day to day...for now.
I am also doing much better at not freaking out about the future, because it really IS God in control, me having control or any type of security (financial or otherwise) is a complete illusion. God has this all in His hands. ALL of it. He was there when I made the decision to move back to Iowa in 2007 to finish my degree the first time around. He's been there through my divorce, lack of support from dads...both financial and physical. He has NEVER left us alone....so why in the world would he now, when I am out to better myself both as a mother and a person in our society? Makes no sense and it's not something I can find in the bible, therefore, trusting Him is my only option.
There are a couple more things on my mind. First, in regards to me leaving a full time salary of $37k a year may seem incredibly stupid to most, most that don't have Jesus or desire to be obedient to him especially; but also to some 'Christians'....and I quote for a reason. There is a big 'F' word I want to throw out to those people....wait for it.....FAITH! My word people, if I have the faith of a mustard seed, I will be blessed. Well, from what I see from some 'Christians' I have spoke to, they are like talking to those at work that don't understand. SO TO CLEAR IT ALL UP: Whether you believe in Jesus or not, whether you really follow Him or not...I've been led to this. I have NO doubt in my mind, Jesus has this in store for me. Many wonder how I will be able to do this....well answer is...I won't. Not without Jesus. I need Him, and I know that. I know that He has got me here to this point, and I KNOW that he won't leave me here. So...if that is not enough of an explanation, I'm sorry but that is the only one I have.
Lastly....as many of you know, I lost my mom almost 11 months ago and it has been a year from hell. It's been real 'cute' that people try to reach out and help....but honestly, if you don't mean it, if you don't really want an 'adopted daughter and granddaughters'....don't bother. I won't be offended. I would much rather you be real and upfront and state that your intentions will probably fall short. Because honestly, there is not one person out there that I will EVER be able to call and say "Hey, can you pick up the girls from school so I can go have dinner with some co-workers?" or "Hey, I need you to come help me get this place organized, it's a pit!" or "Can you just make me dinner to go, I can't stay, got studying to do." There is NO ONE on this earth I can talk to that freely with.....but my mom. So, don't feel sorry for me, I've been at this single mom gig for awhile now, and I know how it works. I have no parents alive, but no one can replace them. And most who try, fall short 99.9% of the time...at this point in the game....I have pretty much no faith in people....just God.
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