Temple not Trash pile

I followed a dump truck into work today. It was for quite a few miles and there was no way to get around it in rush hour traffic. I hate being behind trucks period because I can't see a thing. Well it wasn't til about five minutes into it I had this moment of realization. I treat my stomach like the back of that truck! Throwing all kinds of crap in there that doesn't need to be! I have been in pure torment the last month or so dealing with my eating patterns and lack of energy, resulting in little or no exercise. My realization: eating healthy all the time and maintaining weight is hard!







I want to know why there are people out there that can look the same for years and not seem to gain or lose any weight whatsoever. They appear to eat whatever they want and do as little physical activity as possible. How is that fair to those who have to work out 5 days a week just to stay the same?







The more I thought about this the more upset I got....at everyone else of course, not myself. How could it be MY fault I have gained almost 20lbs back from earlier this year? I am certain it had nothing to do with me indulging in food days at work, grazing with the rest of the cattle that shift in and out of the room filled with homeade dishes that would probably make me sick if I witnessed them making it...sticking their fingers in to taste, getting all the dog hair wiped off the counter before they started rolling the dough, etc. YUCK! It also probably has nothing to do with my lack of energy or desire to workout hard at the gym, just ride the bike for 15 minutes and eliptical for 15 minutes, that is a workout of champions right there...







I don't even want to start in on the laziness at home. Seems that I am wiped out nearly every day the past few months and order out more than I cook. And if I do cook, you can bet it's something processed with little to no nutrional value. It's amazing the way the couch lures me in almost immediately from stepping inside the door.







So...I pose this question: How do I get motivated to live my life to the fullest, and most active? How do I start to care about my body more, what food and why I put it into my stomach. Am I making it a temple as God says it is? "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Corinthians 6:19. Or am I making it this....

If I can just get to the point where I can accept and understand fully that food is just for survival purposes only...and not recreation, I need that instilled in my brain, maybe by CD as I sleep, or maybe someone can install a chip in my brain. It's tough in our culture though where everything seems to revolve around food.

I also need to figure out a way to accept and be ok with the fact that my body is not someone else's. I can't eat whatever I want and not gain weight. I cannot quit working out and expect my body to stay toned. I still don't think it's fair, but it's most definitely reality.

My vow: Change my mindset, permanently. FIND energy, because it's not finding me. Get into a program that will push me past my limits and open my eyes and body to a new world of fitness and rewards from hard work. Those are my goals...and I'm starting before New Year's. I need to start now.

I suck at this...

I really am bad at consistently blogging or journaling, and even when awesome things happen, I neglect to recognize them in a timely manner on paper, or in this case word document. So much has happened since I've been here last. I am going thru the first year of losing my mom this past January. I am making it, but it wasn't until Thanksgiving hit that I really, really felt what will be the beginning of many more Thanksgivings and Christmases without her.

This year, I hosted a very modest version of Thanksgiving at my very modest apartment. My brother was there, along with my niece and nephew later on. So, we are talking a total of 6 people. For 6 people, it was a lot of work...one of which didn't even eat because they just ate before hand, and bless my niece, she stuffed herself twice. I don't know how my mom did it for so many years. Not saying she was always happy and stress-free about it, but at least she had to do it and not me! This whole, orphan thing is not fun at all! Now I am the one that has to do all the holidays, the cookies, the clean up, the stressing out, the buying of ingredients...and I'm sorry, but for being a single mom already....I DON'T WANT THIS STRESS!

But...here's my truth. God won't let me go thru or deal with more than I can handle. 2011 has definitely tested that theory. I cannot even begin to express how happy I will be once this hellacious year is done. It seems like one big nightmare to be honest. I have been to six funerals this year, six. THAT is depressing. My mom started it. And I hope my friend's mom has ended it, because I really don't want to go to another one this year, or ever preferably.

As Christmas season embarks, I am still thankful. I am thankful I get to learn how to do the cookies, fudge and other favorites my mom made every year for the past 50 years. I'm not thrilled that she won't be there to teach me. It's the first year, I get no Christmas presents...petty I know, but reality nonetheless.

So, this is it? This is how it's going to be for the rest of my Christmases? The girls and I...an occasional family member here and there, just presents for the girls from me, their dads, and those who are engulfed by their adorable faces. Me, making cookies and treats, and a huge meal I don't need, and will regret later. But it has to be done for the girls and the family that pops in, to my little apartment whose neighbors give off that real 'friendly, leave me alone' vibe. I'm getting more and more depressed thinking about it.

It's really a good thing, and a huge blessing on God's part, that the girls that at time,s seem like hinderances, are here as my rock. God works in ways I will NEVER understand, but that isn't what is necessary. I don't have to figure out why He does what He does. I just have to trust that it's the right thing.

Taming both tongue and 'tude...

I'm feeling a little bit like a lost sheep lately. My mouth has been nothing short of sewage. I have been a total hipocrit the last few days. "Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? Can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water" James 3:11,12.

I have been hanging out with someone who I want so badly to get to know Jesus on a personal level. And here I am swearing like a sailor, doing anything BUT leading him closer to the Savior.
I am at a loss, I don't know how to control my frustration at work and with him and keep it...G-rated. I feel awful afterwards of course, but the blood gets boiling again and I can't bring myself back...

I am not a big fan of the work I do on a daily basis, which leads to a really bad attitude some days, but there I am at work, proclaiming to be a Christian and someone who loves God with all her heart....but from the heart, the mouth speaks. How ugly is my heart then?!

How does one purify their heart and attitude? How should my attitude be? I imagine it would be something like this...."Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness...Philippians 2:5-7.

I hate when I get to these points, I know better....I know what I NEED to do and I usually know HOW to get there. It's something that seems to hold me back, and I am guessing his name is satan.

Learn from the Pain

God woke me up at 4 am the other night, interrupting an amazing dream with a non-mentioned dollface in it, only to tell me that I am not in any way ready for a relationship. What a huge letdown that was...not only to be awaken at 4 am, but then to be told such devastating news! I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years and to some that may seem like a long time, and to others it may be way too soon to start dating. But when you are sitting in the seat of the divorced one...it seems long, especially if you love to be touched and loved and cared for. Yeah, sure God is there, but that is one of the hardest things about having a heavenly father, the lack of touch and lack of straight one-on-one conversation and instruction from Him.

To hear this, I wasn't suprised. I have harbored an immense amount of bitterness, hatred and anger in my soul for a long time, I mean a loooooong time. I couldn't even tell you when it started, but if I had to guess, it would be somewhere around the time my dad died. And let's just say it kind of spiraled from there. I got involved in one unhealthy relationship after another and never fixed my original issues. I never reached to God for help and comfort, I reached for other men, or alcohol, or anti-depressants. Anything basically that was just a temporary fix, even though I hoped I would obtain permanent results.

God made it clear, I have put the healing on hold for far too long. Now, I have more things to deal with than I did 13 years ago, but nevertheless, they MUST be dealt with now...ALL of them. This is why I am feeling a long, painful pruning season before me. No more escapes, just me and God and big time healing. I have so much to be thankful for, and most times I don't realize it, because I am way too busy being mad and hurt and playing victim.

So...from this point forward, I am forcing myself to look forward to this time of growth and building back up the person I used to be and not focusing on past mistakes and losses. I know THIS IS NOT IT....God has sooo much more for me...but I will need my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to help me, because I am so weak, especially sitting at square one....

Please pray for my healing, patience, and heart and mind to be open to what God has in store for me these next few months.....

Planks and Specks

Alot has been going on the past couple days and I know God has a big hand in it. I however, still struggle on being judgmental. I find some way to ignore all of my previous mistakes and sins but can still very clearly see and focus on others'. God was there when I about came unglued recently. I found out someone from my past is now in a leadership position at a church. About a month earlier I found out that another person in which I know their struggles was also asked to do a leadership role at a church. There were times where I really questioned God's reasoning! As I threw my tantrum, I remember thinking, "How could that person be in leadership?" not a minute after I said that out loud, I heard God rebuttal. It was plain as day, "Well Melisa, I suppose the same could be said of you if you were given a leadership position for my name." Then at that point, I was directed to Matthew 7:3-5. WOW! That sure put it all back into perspective quick. Needless to say, I calmed down fairly quickly, got over myself, and realized, I really do have to trust God no matter what. Even though there are people you may or may not think should be active leaders in a church family, God knows what He is doing. And there will be ALOT of things we just don't understand the why's and how's until we die and get a chance to ask Him for ourselves. But until then, I'm just going to roll with the punches, and know that God has my best interest at heart and will provide, just as He always has...

You can't pick family....or can you?

I wonder why God did it that way....Why is it, more often than not, we end up with family members that are just impossible to like or get along with. And then He gives us commands like 'Love your neighbor', aka that spoiled rotten niece of yours, or selfish and tactless cousin, whatever the case may be. I also don't know why exactly I need to be friends with these people on facebook A social networking site I consider filled with those that I like.

Definition of 'family' is in my mind: those who love and support each other unconditionally, without judgement or criticism. I don't think I have one person in my blood family that is like that. My church family...that is a different story.

Ever since I came into a closer relationship with Christ, especially at Cornerstone and some of those in Va, they have been there for me day in and day out. Many of them I know I can call at any hour with any concern and I know they will be there and be happy to help. God has blessed me so much to put these people in my path.

It's unfortunate that I'm not as close with my blood family but when I feel my church family love on me and my girls, I know we're in the right place.

Neverending feeling of inadequacy

Being a woman and a mother is not an easy task. Everyday, someone is depending on you to get them dressed, fed, to school, bathed, entertained, etc. Many of us fall short. A typical day in this household isn't pretty. We are running around in the wee hours of the morning getting dressed, teeth brushed and hair combed as fast as we can so we can rush out into the world that does nothing really but bring us down, or me anyway. Most days, Eden has one pink sock and one teal sock on. Sesley's hair is doing some weird part thing. I am trying to put a face and outfit on that nobody will really care about at work. It's not a pretty picture. Church is worse. Trying to get ready to learn about our Savior should be an enjoyable process. And I'm sure it would be if there was no devil. But unfortunately, there is. He is the one that tries so hard to make our lives miserable. He tries to get us to turn against our Jesus by putting these awful things in our heads....like inadequacy.

Speaking to one of my best friends tonight, I learned that I am not the only one who feels as though I can never catch up to other people, be the best mom, or be the prettiest girl, etc. But you know what the awesome thing is, God thinks we are beautiful, we are treasures to Him. It really doesn't matter how we see ourselves when we know how God sees us. He doesn't care about who has the better T.V. or who gives their kids the most expensive gifts.

If we give Jesus our heart,and He lives in us, then all this shouldn't matter, especially the material stuff. But whenever we feel low about how we are living our lives, we need not get depressed and down, but rather, turn our eyes to the One who loves us more than any person ever could. Spend time talking to Him and/or others who would listen and be there for a hug. It's so much better than bottling it all in and hoping it will go away.