Neverending feeling of inadequacy

Being a woman and a mother is not an easy task. Everyday, someone is depending on you to get them dressed, fed, to school, bathed, entertained, etc. Many of us fall short. A typical day in this household isn't pretty. We are running around in the wee hours of the morning getting dressed, teeth brushed and hair combed as fast as we can so we can rush out into the world that does nothing really but bring us down, or me anyway. Most days, Eden has one pink sock and one teal sock on. Sesley's hair is doing some weird part thing. I am trying to put a face and outfit on that nobody will really care about at work. It's not a pretty picture. Church is worse. Trying to get ready to learn about our Savior should be an enjoyable process. And I'm sure it would be if there was no devil. But unfortunately, there is. He is the one that tries so hard to make our lives miserable. He tries to get us to turn against our Jesus by putting these awful things in our heads....like inadequacy.

Speaking to one of my best friends tonight, I learned that I am not the only one who feels as though I can never catch up to other people, be the best mom, or be the prettiest girl, etc. But you know what the awesome thing is, God thinks we are beautiful, we are treasures to Him. It really doesn't matter how we see ourselves when we know how God sees us. He doesn't care about who has the better T.V. or who gives their kids the most expensive gifts.

If we give Jesus our heart,and He lives in us, then all this shouldn't matter, especially the material stuff. But whenever we feel low about how we are living our lives, we need not get depressed and down, but rather, turn our eyes to the One who loves us more than any person ever could. Spend time talking to Him and/or others who would listen and be there for a hug. It's so much better than bottling it all in and hoping it will go away.

At the end of my rope...

If anybody has seen the movie 'Just Friends', there is a part where Ryan Reynolds is throwing an absolute fit in his car, just freaking out. It is very comical to watch. However, that has been me the last couple weeks.

First and foremost, I love my girls. There is no question about that. But it's mind-blowing how easily everything at home absorbs all the negative things the world throws at you. My job, finances, etc. have been piling on the stress and unfulfillment I would rather do without. I have been a sucky mom. From the moment I pick them up until we go to bed, I'm short-tempered, impatient, and have many childish outbursts; something that resembles a toddler when they don't get their way. If I was still living in the south, particularly Alabama, they would say I was just plain 'ill'. Well I don't want to be that way. I know what I want to act like when I get home but it goes right out the window when Sesley or Eden look my direction the wrong way. I would like to have a hidden camera on me to see how absolutely ridiculous I act.

But let me say, thank God for the wonderful people He has positioned in my life. I don't know what I would do without other believers around to talk to and just vent. It's also amazing the difference prayer makes. I have never been one to have a big strength in prayer. It was never my 'thing' to start up a prayer chain or group, etc. I was more the evangelist type, or counseling type. But I tell ya what, prayer is some powerful stuff. It works, God is always there and hears my cry. I know He will never give me more than I can handle, even though it feels that way to me. I keep forgetting that there will always be fire I will walk through. I also keep forgetting that God will be with me when I do.

Born again.......and again and again and again

In my own experience of being a 'born again' Christian, there has been more than one speed bump along the way. I guess I thought giving my life over to Christ would be this light switch that automatically went from darkness to light. But turns out, that's not the case at all. If anything, I have had to change the light bulb a few times, and the switch itself and even the wiring. What is unfortunate is that I didn't realize how much of a process this was from the start. I really was naive enough to think that I would magically know what it took to be a disciplined, obedient, God-fearing follower of Christ. Although it's been 10 years since I took my first voluntary step with Jesus, I am just now starting to grasp what it means to truly love my Savior. I am by no means completed in my course of learning on what truly pleases God, but I am one step closer. In the words of Joyce Meyer, "I'm not where I need to be but THANK GOD I'm not where I used to be" and that is comforting in and of itself! When I look back at where I was 10 years ago, I am in total disbelief at what kind of person I was then and all the way up until recently.

Here I am, 30 years old....and divorced twice and two children with two seperate dads, neither of which are really in the picture. The mistakes I have made to this point have definitely also happened for a reason I truly believe. Without me falling on my face with one bad decision after another, I may never have fallen on my knees and asked Jesus to help me through it all.

God tells us to not be suprised at the trials we face, and believe me, I'm not anymore! But now, I feel I am more prepared and lean on God for help instead of people or myself. It makes all the difference because Jesus is the ONLY one who has NEVER disappointed me....which also makes me sad that He is usually the first one I don't stand up for....

Just when it looks like there is no hope left..

....God goes and does something awesome. I was in major freakout mode this morning right off the bat. Everything in my head had me convinced that today was going to be a bad day. And that is exactly what I need to avoid. Insurance issues, job issues, financial issues, child issues, faith issues....etc. I am usually a pretty upbeat happy-go-lucky girl, especially at work, but not today. It was the FML Melisa....and I don't like that girl at all. I couldn't find one thing to be happy about today other than the fact I left early to get my daughters to the doctor and get out of that God forsaken place of employment.

Amazing to think 8 months ago, I was so excited to get my job...and now I want the place to collapse, when we are home of course. I am so upset with the way everything is being handled, the little training we were provided and the way management crawls into a hole everytime there is a problem. I feel like my values are slowly slipping the more I am there. And I don't like that. So I am going to do what I needed to do in the first place, this and every other issue out there that I think is so pressing....I'm just giving it to God. He knows what I need to do and where I need to go and how I need to act. If I can just remember to remember this in time of crisis, I would get a lot less gray hairs and chances for ulcers.

GOD IS SOOOOOO AMAZING!!!!!!!!! He hears me and loves me and protects me when the world throws their best shot. Thank you Jesus for saving me and giving me what I need to fight against all the devil throws at me. You are an ever present help in trouble Lord and I thank you and love you for it!

My heart just isn't ready

Every girl wants to be with a dream guy she imagines as a young lady. Someone that will complete her and know her inside and out and love her anyway. When I met Troy, I thought he was that guy. So much so that we were married 18 days after we started dating. Shortly after the vows were taken, it was evident it was a big mistake. And the 4 years of marriage were nothing shy of a disaster. My heart was broken over and over and over again. It's kind of like when you sprain an ankle, after you do it one time, it gets easier to do every time after that. But it has the effects of when you break a bone. When a bone heals, it becomes stronger in the place that was broken, harder in that area. That is what happens to my heart, it got broken and my heart got repaired, but then it got hard.

I don't want my heart to be like that but it's not ready for a guy to be around yet. I am just getting into my own groove with the girls. Plus I don't have any trust or desire right now to have a guy. Sure I get extremely lonely and sad sometimes because I am single but it doesn't last long. I know God will put the absolute perfect guy for me in my path when the time is right. And I know it isn't now, so I just need time to heal. To be with God in a way that I have never been with him before. Lean on him for my every need, thought, desire. He is what I have been missng not a guy. All I think they could do right now is disappoint me and I don't need anymore of that in my life right now. I need stability and love, and that is only going to come from my Father.

I am getting used to the idea that I may not be with anybody for a long time, and it's going to take some getting used to but I will survive, God will make sure of it. I will be a stronger and better person when I am ready for the man of my dreams.

How much rejection can a person take?

Numb is the word that I literally feel. I have been rejected by 3 guys today...no kidding, well probably 4 if I want to get ridiculous about it. When I was married to Troy, I felt rejection almost daily. Especially towards the end. We would get along for like a minute, then he would leave, run out, walk 30 miles to get away from me, etc; leaving me feeling the most rejected and left out I have even felt in my life. Once he was out of my life, the aftermath remained. Since Troy has been gone for over a year now officially, I still feel almost nothing when a guy tells me they aren't interested in me because I am not their type, they aren't ready for a relationship, or they aren't willing to date a girl with kids-my favorite one of all.

Which leads me to a deeper conclusion....guys are guys are guys...who I guess you could say are human also. And that means they aren't perfect, just like I'm not perfect. But Jesus is, and He is seriously the ONLY one I trust with my whole heart. He has been there for me thru everything.

And here I am feeling completely sorry for myself because I get 'turned down' by some guys who obviously don't have a clue. When my Lord and Savior has been rejected in worse ways than I could ever imagine. I have a long way to go, don't I? Suck it up girlie...your Savior loves you more than anything....and your value is far more than rubies.

Out with the old, in with the new and holy

You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your OLD self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made NEW in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the NEW self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness....Ephesians 4:20-24

I can relate with Paul's message today so much....I too had many things I had grown comfortable 'wearing'. So much that I didn't see it as bad or sinful. It wasn't until Christ entered my life more and more that I felt convicted about the choices I made, like the people I hung out with or things I did. I know even within the last few months I have noticed other behaviors that are unacceptable that have crept back into my life. It's like Paul said, RENEWING YOUR MIND every single day is key to keeping that stuff away.

My thoughts after today........I need to really look at who and what I have in my life that are poisonous to my relationship with Christ....and remove them.