As I was looking through my previous posts, I seem incredibly negative and depressed. I want you to know that isn't the case...it's just unfortunately, reality is that depressing and sometimes negative!
I am incredibly excited to be embarking on a new chapter in my life. Education screams Melisa and I cannot wait to be in the lives of jr. highers who need that person in their life to care and make a difference. I am more than ready for that challenge...I invite it whole-heartedly. I also am so far past elated of the schedule I will be on and able to be with my girls more.
Currently, I am so exhausted, moody and just plain drained, that I have no desire to do a thing once I get home. I don't want to work out, eat right, or do any housework because I just am that low. Even though I have officially put in my notice, I still feel the lull of the place since I am still there day to day...for now.
I am also doing much better at not freaking out about the future, because it really IS God in control, me having control or any type of security (financial or otherwise) is a complete illusion. God has this all in His hands. ALL of it. He was there when I made the decision to move back to Iowa in 2007 to finish my degree the first time around. He's been there through my divorce, lack of support from dads...both financial and physical. He has NEVER left us alone....so why in the world would he now, when I am out to better myself both as a mother and a person in our society? Makes no sense and it's not something I can find in the bible, therefore, trusting Him is my only option.
There are a couple more things on my mind. First, in regards to me leaving a full time salary of $37k a year may seem incredibly stupid to most, most that don't have Jesus or desire to be obedient to him especially; but also to some 'Christians'....and I quote for a reason. There is a big 'F' word I want to throw out to those people....wait for it.....FAITH! My word people, if I have the faith of a mustard seed, I will be blessed. Well, from what I see from some 'Christians' I have spoke to, they are like talking to those at work that don't understand. SO TO CLEAR IT ALL UP: Whether you believe in Jesus or not, whether you really follow Him or not...I've been led to this. I have NO doubt in my mind, Jesus has this in store for me. Many wonder how I will be able to do this....well answer is...I won't. Not without Jesus. I need Him, and I know that. I know that He has got me here to this point, and I KNOW that he won't leave me here. So...if that is not enough of an explanation, I'm sorry but that is the only one I have.
Lastly....as many of you know, I lost my mom almost 11 months ago and it has been a year from hell. It's been real 'cute' that people try to reach out and help....but honestly, if you don't mean it, if you don't really want an 'adopted daughter and granddaughters'....don't bother. I won't be offended. I would much rather you be real and upfront and state that your intentions will probably fall short. Because honestly, there is not one person out there that I will EVER be able to call and say "Hey, can you pick up the girls from school so I can go have dinner with some co-workers?" or "Hey, I need you to come help me get this place organized, it's a pit!" or "Can you just make me dinner to go, I can't stay, got studying to do." There is NO ONE on this earth I can talk to that freely with.....but my mom. So, don't feel sorry for me, I've been at this single mom gig for awhile now, and I know how it works. I have no parents alive, but no one can replace them. And most who try, fall short 99.9% of the time...at this point in the game....I have pretty much no faith in people....just God.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Birth of our King...yes...but still dealing with the death of a Queen
I usually LOVE Christmas. The smell of snow in the air, the extra smiles you get walking down the street or in your local department store. The feeling and spirit of Christmas is thick and you run into it everywhere you go. However this year, I'm either dodging all the fairy dust being sprinkled or I'm just numb to it. It has to be the second one.
God brought his only son into this harsh, unforgiving world and we celebrate that every year. And I am usually on board. But this year, being the first year I am going thru without my mom, I have zero desire to celebrate.
I postponed getting the tree out for awhile now, but got it out today. I got it up, and it was frustrating me the whole time. Needles all over the place, getting the branches just right. Then came the lights, and luckily the girls were playing in their room during this part. I get them all just how they should be, and I put them on backwards. The plug in was at the top and the connector was at the bottom. Super. I have a minor temper...cough...hmmm....as it is, so I almost threw the tree off the deck. But thank God for some self control I have acquired over the years because instead, I just dropped to my knees and cried.
We had a message today that spoke a lot of blaspheming God. I do it all the time. I mean ALL the time. This morning, the car doors wouldn't open because they were frozen. Once I got into mine, I got the scraper and just beat the car doors to death, probably saying everything BUT Hallelujah, Praise Jesus. I looked like an idiot and felt like one later. Hearing that message solidified it, I blaspheme all the time. I am mad for where I am in life, pretty much constantly. And yes, I know God doesn't make mistakes, but I can't seem to be thankful anyway, not all the time. And not at this time of year when I miss my mom terribly.
Right about now, I should be getting cookies, candies, and gifts from Virginia. And later in the next day or two get a phone call saying, "Don't you open those presents til Christmas! You better wait!" And I NEVER waited. If there is going to be ANY perk of being an adult and not living near your mom, it's being able to open your presents WHENEVER you want!
This is going to be tough, I can feel it creeping into my spirit. I love Jesus and love God for giving him to us to be slaughtered in our place because of our disgraceful sins. I love that God sees us as being valuable enough to give up his only son, FOR US....most who don't even recognize him on a daily basis. But it is going to be incredibly difficult to be thankful for a Christmas season without my mom. This is a repeat of what I felt 14 years ago when my dad was gone for the first Christmas....it straight up sucked. Deja vu'.
God brought his only son into this harsh, unforgiving world and we celebrate that every year. And I am usually on board. But this year, being the first year I am going thru without my mom, I have zero desire to celebrate.
I postponed getting the tree out for awhile now, but got it out today. I got it up, and it was frustrating me the whole time. Needles all over the place, getting the branches just right. Then came the lights, and luckily the girls were playing in their room during this part. I get them all just how they should be, and I put them on backwards. The plug in was at the top and the connector was at the bottom. Super. I have a minor temper...cough...hmmm....as it is, so I almost threw the tree off the deck. But thank God for some self control I have acquired over the years because instead, I just dropped to my knees and cried.
We had a message today that spoke a lot of blaspheming God. I do it all the time. I mean ALL the time. This morning, the car doors wouldn't open because they were frozen. Once I got into mine, I got the scraper and just beat the car doors to death, probably saying everything BUT Hallelujah, Praise Jesus. I looked like an idiot and felt like one later. Hearing that message solidified it, I blaspheme all the time. I am mad for where I am in life, pretty much constantly. And yes, I know God doesn't make mistakes, but I can't seem to be thankful anyway, not all the time. And not at this time of year when I miss my mom terribly.
Right about now, I should be getting cookies, candies, and gifts from Virginia. And later in the next day or two get a phone call saying, "Don't you open those presents til Christmas! You better wait!" And I NEVER waited. If there is going to be ANY perk of being an adult and not living near your mom, it's being able to open your presents WHENEVER you want!
This is going to be tough, I can feel it creeping into my spirit. I love Jesus and love God for giving him to us to be slaughtered in our place because of our disgraceful sins. I love that God sees us as being valuable enough to give up his only son, FOR US....most who don't even recognize him on a daily basis. But it is going to be incredibly difficult to be thankful for a Christmas season without my mom. This is a repeat of what I felt 14 years ago when my dad was gone for the first Christmas....it straight up sucked. Deja vu'.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Temple not Trash pile
I followed a dump truck into work today. It was for quite a few miles and there was no way to get around it in rush hour traffic. I hate being behind trucks period because I can't see a thing. Well it wasn't til about five minutes into it I had this moment of realization. I treat my stomach like the back of that truck! Throwing all kinds of crap in there that doesn't need to be! I have been in pure torment the last month or so dealing with my eating patterns and lack of energy, resulting in little or no exercise. My realization: eating healthy all the time and maintaining weight is hard!
I want to know why there are people out there that can look the same for years and not seem to gain or lose any weight whatsoever. They appear to eat whatever they want and do as little physical activity as possible. How is that fair to those who have to work out 5 days a week just to stay the same?
The more I thought about this the more upset I got....at everyone else of course, not myself. How could it be MY fault I have gained almost 20lbs back from earlier this year? I am certain it had nothing to do with me indulging in food days at work, grazing with the rest of the cattle that shift in and out of the room filled with homeade dishes that would probably make me sick if I witnessed them making it...sticking their fingers in to taste, getting all the dog hair wiped off the counter before they started rolling the dough, etc. YUCK! It also probably has nothing to do with my lack of energy or desire to workout hard at the gym, just ride the bike for 15 minutes and eliptical for 15 minutes, that is a workout of champions right there...
I don't even want to start in on the laziness at home. Seems that I am wiped out nearly every day the past few months and order out more than I cook. And if I do cook, you can bet it's something processed with little to no nutrional value. It's amazing the way the couch lures me in almost immediately from stepping inside the door.
So...I pose this question: How do I get motivated to live my life to the fullest, and most active? How do I start to care about my body more, what food and why I put it into my stomach. Am I making it a temple as God says it is? "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Corinthians 6:19. Or am I making it this....
If I can just get to the point where I can accept and understand fully that food is just for survival purposes only...and not recreation, I need that instilled in my brain, maybe by CD as I sleep, or maybe someone can install a chip in my brain. It's tough in our culture though where everything seems to revolve around food.
I also need to figure out a way to accept and be ok with the fact that my body is not someone else's. I can't eat whatever I want and not gain weight. I cannot quit working out and expect my body to stay toned. I still don't think it's fair, but it's most definitely reality.
My vow: Change my mindset, permanently. FIND energy, because it's not finding me. Get into a program that will push me past my limits and open my eyes and body to a new world of fitness and rewards from hard work. Those are my goals...and I'm starting before New Year's. I need to start now.
I want to know why there are people out there that can look the same for years and not seem to gain or lose any weight whatsoever. They appear to eat whatever they want and do as little physical activity as possible. How is that fair to those who have to work out 5 days a week just to stay the same?
The more I thought about this the more upset I got....at everyone else of course, not myself. How could it be MY fault I have gained almost 20lbs back from earlier this year? I am certain it had nothing to do with me indulging in food days at work, grazing with the rest of the cattle that shift in and out of the room filled with homeade dishes that would probably make me sick if I witnessed them making it...sticking their fingers in to taste, getting all the dog hair wiped off the counter before they started rolling the dough, etc. YUCK! It also probably has nothing to do with my lack of energy or desire to workout hard at the gym, just ride the bike for 15 minutes and eliptical for 15 minutes, that is a workout of champions right there...
I don't even want to start in on the laziness at home. Seems that I am wiped out nearly every day the past few months and order out more than I cook. And if I do cook, you can bet it's something processed with little to no nutrional value. It's amazing the way the couch lures me in almost immediately from stepping inside the door.
So...I pose this question: How do I get motivated to live my life to the fullest, and most active? How do I start to care about my body more, what food and why I put it into my stomach. Am I making it a temple as God says it is? "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Corinthians 6:19. Or am I making it this....
If I can just get to the point where I can accept and understand fully that food is just for survival purposes only...and not recreation, I need that instilled in my brain, maybe by CD as I sleep, or maybe someone can install a chip in my brain. It's tough in our culture though where everything seems to revolve around food.
I also need to figure out a way to accept and be ok with the fact that my body is not someone else's. I can't eat whatever I want and not gain weight. I cannot quit working out and expect my body to stay toned. I still don't think it's fair, but it's most definitely reality.
My vow: Change my mindset, permanently. FIND energy, because it's not finding me. Get into a program that will push me past my limits and open my eyes and body to a new world of fitness and rewards from hard work. Those are my goals...and I'm starting before New Year's. I need to start now.
Friday, November 25, 2011
I suck at this...
I really am bad at consistently blogging or journaling, and even when awesome things happen, I neglect to recognize them in a timely manner on paper, or in this case word document. So much has happened since I've been here last. I am going thru the first year of losing my mom this past January. I am making it, but it wasn't until Thanksgiving hit that I really, really felt what will be the beginning of many more Thanksgivings and Christmases without her.
This year, I hosted a very modest version of Thanksgiving at my very modest apartment. My brother was there, along with my niece and nephew later on. So, we are talking a total of 6 people. For 6 people, it was a lot of work...one of which didn't even eat because they just ate before hand, and bless my niece, she stuffed herself twice. I don't know how my mom did it for so many years. Not saying she was always happy and stress-free about it, but at least she had to do it and not me! This whole, orphan thing is not fun at all! Now I am the one that has to do all the holidays, the cookies, the clean up, the stressing out, the buying of ingredients...and I'm sorry, but for being a single mom already....I DON'T WANT THIS STRESS!
But...here's my truth. God won't let me go thru or deal with more than I can handle. 2011 has definitely tested that theory. I cannot even begin to express how happy I will be once this hellacious year is done. It seems like one big nightmare to be honest. I have been to six funerals this year, six. THAT is depressing. My mom started it. And I hope my friend's mom has ended it, because I really don't want to go to another one this year, or ever preferably.
As Christmas season embarks, I am still thankful. I am thankful I get to learn how to do the cookies, fudge and other favorites my mom made every year for the past 50 years. I'm not thrilled that she won't be there to teach me. It's the first year, I get no Christmas presents...petty I know, but reality nonetheless.
So, this is it? This is how it's going to be for the rest of my Christmases? The girls and I...an occasional family member here and there, just presents for the girls from me, their dads, and those who are engulfed by their adorable faces. Me, making cookies and treats, and a huge meal I don't need, and will regret later. But it has to be done for the girls and the family that pops in, to my little apartment whose neighbors give off that real 'friendly, leave me alone' vibe. I'm getting more and more depressed thinking about it.
It's really a good thing, and a huge blessing on God's part, that the girls that at time,s seem like hinderances, are here as my rock. God works in ways I will NEVER understand, but that isn't what is necessary. I don't have to figure out why He does what He does. I just have to trust that it's the right thing.
This year, I hosted a very modest version of Thanksgiving at my very modest apartment. My brother was there, along with my niece and nephew later on. So, we are talking a total of 6 people. For 6 people, it was a lot of work...one of which didn't even eat because they just ate before hand, and bless my niece, she stuffed herself twice. I don't know how my mom did it for so many years. Not saying she was always happy and stress-free about it, but at least she had to do it and not me! This whole, orphan thing is not fun at all! Now I am the one that has to do all the holidays, the cookies, the clean up, the stressing out, the buying of ingredients...and I'm sorry, but for being a single mom already....I DON'T WANT THIS STRESS!
But...here's my truth. God won't let me go thru or deal with more than I can handle. 2011 has definitely tested that theory. I cannot even begin to express how happy I will be once this hellacious year is done. It seems like one big nightmare to be honest. I have been to six funerals this year, six. THAT is depressing. My mom started it. And I hope my friend's mom has ended it, because I really don't want to go to another one this year, or ever preferably.
As Christmas season embarks, I am still thankful. I am thankful I get to learn how to do the cookies, fudge and other favorites my mom made every year for the past 50 years. I'm not thrilled that she won't be there to teach me. It's the first year, I get no Christmas presents...petty I know, but reality nonetheless.
So, this is it? This is how it's going to be for the rest of my Christmases? The girls and I...an occasional family member here and there, just presents for the girls from me, their dads, and those who are engulfed by their adorable faces. Me, making cookies and treats, and a huge meal I don't need, and will regret later. But it has to be done for the girls and the family that pops in, to my little apartment whose neighbors give off that real 'friendly, leave me alone' vibe. I'm getting more and more depressed thinking about it.
It's really a good thing, and a huge blessing on God's part, that the girls that at time,s seem like hinderances, are here as my rock. God works in ways I will NEVER understand, but that isn't what is necessary. I don't have to figure out why He does what He does. I just have to trust that it's the right thing.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Taming both tongue and 'tude...
I'm feeling a little bit like a lost sheep lately. My mouth has been nothing short of sewage. I have been a total hipocrit the last few days. "Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? Can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water" James 3:11,12.
I have been hanging out with someone who I want so badly to get to know Jesus on a personal level. And here I am swearing like a sailor, doing anything BUT leading him closer to the Savior.
I am at a loss, I don't know how to control my frustration at work and with him and keep it...G-rated. I feel awful afterwards of course, but the blood gets boiling again and I can't bring myself back...
I am not a big fan of the work I do on a daily basis, which leads to a really bad attitude some days, but there I am at work, proclaiming to be a Christian and someone who loves God with all her heart....but from the heart, the mouth speaks. How ugly is my heart then?!
How does one purify their heart and attitude? How should my attitude be? I imagine it would be something like this...."Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness...Philippians 2:5-7.
I hate when I get to these points, I know better....I know what I NEED to do and I usually know HOW to get there. It's something that seems to hold me back, and I am guessing his name is satan.
I have been hanging out with someone who I want so badly to get to know Jesus on a personal level. And here I am swearing like a sailor, doing anything BUT leading him closer to the Savior.
I am at a loss, I don't know how to control my frustration at work and with him and keep it...G-rated. I feel awful afterwards of course, but the blood gets boiling again and I can't bring myself back...
I am not a big fan of the work I do on a daily basis, which leads to a really bad attitude some days, but there I am at work, proclaiming to be a Christian and someone who loves God with all her heart....but from the heart, the mouth speaks. How ugly is my heart then?!
How does one purify their heart and attitude? How should my attitude be? I imagine it would be something like this...."Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness...Philippians 2:5-7.
I hate when I get to these points, I know better....I know what I NEED to do and I usually know HOW to get there. It's something that seems to hold me back, and I am guessing his name is satan.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Learn from the Pain
God woke me up at 4 am the other night, interrupting an amazing dream with a non-mentioned dollface in it, only to tell me that I am not in any way ready for a relationship. What a huge letdown that was...not only to be awaken at 4 am, but then to be told such devastating news! I have been divorced for 1 1/2 years and to some that may seem like a long time, and to others it may be way too soon to start dating. But when you are sitting in the seat of the divorced one...it seems long, especially if you love to be touched and loved and cared for. Yeah, sure God is there, but that is one of the hardest things about having a heavenly father, the lack of touch and lack of straight one-on-one conversation and instruction from Him.
To hear this, I wasn't suprised. I have harbored an immense amount of bitterness, hatred and anger in my soul for a long time, I mean a loooooong time. I couldn't even tell you when it started, but if I had to guess, it would be somewhere around the time my dad died. And let's just say it kind of spiraled from there. I got involved in one unhealthy relationship after another and never fixed my original issues. I never reached to God for help and comfort, I reached for other men, or alcohol, or anti-depressants. Anything basically that was just a temporary fix, even though I hoped I would obtain permanent results.
God made it clear, I have put the healing on hold for far too long. Now, I have more things to deal with than I did 13 years ago, but nevertheless, they MUST be dealt with now...ALL of them. This is why I am feeling a long, painful pruning season before me. No more escapes, just me and God and big time healing. I have so much to be thankful for, and most times I don't realize it, because I am way too busy being mad and hurt and playing victim.
So...from this point forward, I am forcing myself to look forward to this time of growth and building back up the person I used to be and not focusing on past mistakes and losses. I know THIS IS NOT IT....God has sooo much more for me...but I will need my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to help me, because I am so weak, especially sitting at square one....
Please pray for my healing, patience, and heart and mind to be open to what God has in store for me these next few months.....
To hear this, I wasn't suprised. I have harbored an immense amount of bitterness, hatred and anger in my soul for a long time, I mean a loooooong time. I couldn't even tell you when it started, but if I had to guess, it would be somewhere around the time my dad died. And let's just say it kind of spiraled from there. I got involved in one unhealthy relationship after another and never fixed my original issues. I never reached to God for help and comfort, I reached for other men, or alcohol, or anti-depressants. Anything basically that was just a temporary fix, even though I hoped I would obtain permanent results.
God made it clear, I have put the healing on hold for far too long. Now, I have more things to deal with than I did 13 years ago, but nevertheless, they MUST be dealt with now...ALL of them. This is why I am feeling a long, painful pruning season before me. No more escapes, just me and God and big time healing. I have so much to be thankful for, and most times I don't realize it, because I am way too busy being mad and hurt and playing victim.
So...from this point forward, I am forcing myself to look forward to this time of growth and building back up the person I used to be and not focusing on past mistakes and losses. I know THIS IS NOT IT....God has sooo much more for me...but I will need my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to help me, because I am so weak, especially sitting at square one....
Please pray for my healing, patience, and heart and mind to be open to what God has in store for me these next few months.....
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Planks and Specks
Alot has been going on the past couple days and I know God has a big hand in it. I however, still struggle on being judgmental. I find some way to ignore all of my previous mistakes and sins but can still very clearly see and focus on others'. God was there when I about came unglued recently. I found out someone from my past is now in a leadership position at a church. About a month earlier I found out that another person in which I know their struggles was also asked to do a leadership role at a church. There were times where I really questioned God's reasoning! As I threw my tantrum, I remember thinking, "How could that person be in leadership?" not a minute after I said that out loud, I heard God rebuttal. It was plain as day, "Well Melisa, I suppose the same could be said of you if you were given a leadership position for my name." Then at that point, I was directed to Matthew 7:3-5. WOW! That sure put it all back into perspective quick. Needless to say, I calmed down fairly quickly, got over myself, and realized, I really do have to trust God no matter what. Even though there are people you may or may not think should be active leaders in a church family, God knows what He is doing. And there will be ALOT of things we just don't understand the why's and how's until we die and get a chance to ask Him for ourselves. But until then, I'm just going to roll with the punches, and know that God has my best interest at heart and will provide, just as He always has...
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